Who's Zim Is It Anyway?
by Mouko
Summary: It's been a few years since Zim's come to Earth and recently things have started to change...  The bunnies made me write this! Those horrible bunnies! This fic does and will have every Zim pairing I can think of. So, just... um. Be scared? COMPLETE!
1. Maturity

Warning: ... Don't ask how this happened. I had a dream. I had a weiiirrrd dream... and I just had this urge. Like little pink bunnies that began to dance around me, singing "Wriiite this! Wriiite this! LA LA LA LA LAAAA LAAA!". It wouldn't stop... I couldn't MAKE it stop... so... I wrote it. I wrote this fic. This warning is that this fic is basically Dib/Zim/Gaz... and many others. I assure you, I'll keep them as IC as possible. That's just me; a perfectionist. But I had to write this. I HAD TO for the sake of what little sanity I have left.  
  
  
Chapter One: Maturity  
  
  
A loud crash echoed through the house as GIR stared down at the shattered lamp at his feet. The bright green glass was in thousands of pieces, coating the floor.  
"Ooops,"  
"GIR!" Zim roared, frustrated. He stormed in to the room, wielding a large broom and a dustpan. He cast the S.I.R. a disgusted look, who merely shrugged. "WHAT did I tell you?" Zim snarled.  
"About?" GIR blinked.  
"Juggling lamps!" Zim hissed.  
"... Not to?" GIR tilted his head to the left.  
"... And did you?" Zim glared.  
"... Yes?" GIR tilted his head to the right.  
"Why?" Zim tapped his foot, impatiently. GIR shrugged, helplessly, and jumped up on the couch. Zim sighed as GIR bounced up and down on the cushions, then began to sweep up the glass.  
It had been a couple years since Zim had arrived on Earth; A couple years since he got his mission from the Tallest and came to take over the planet. Every day, for those long years, he had attempted to conquer the humans only to end up in failure. Any normal Irken would have been disturbed by such a fact; however, Zim had a particular part of his personality that prevented him from realizing just how bad he was at invading. He was simply too stubborn.  
Zim scuffled in to the kitchen, dumping the shards in the trash only to realize that he had just dumped the garbage in his elevator to his underground lab. Cursing violently, Zim proceeded to clean out the elevator of the sharp glass pieces. He knelt down to grab one of the larger pieces, only to hear a loud rip as some of the seams in his invader uniform gave way. He cursed even more violently. He had never dealt with such a problem before; recently, he had experienced an abnormal change in his body. Zim had noticed that the humans at Skool had experienced similar changes, though he didn't quite understand the reason why. He was even more baffled by the thought that he, himself, had changed with them.  
Zim had grown taller and more defined; if his uniform didn't look so torn and tattered, people could have considered him handsome. Unfortunately, his ruined clothing veiled his appearances under a mask that fooled even Zim.  
"It's probably some sort of nasty contamination," Zim grunted. "This stinkbeast air, stinkbeast surroundings, and stinkbeast germs,"  
Zim cleaned up the rest of the glass and sighed. He had recently outgrown his uniform, causing it to become tight and rip easily. He mentally promised himself to request larger uniforms when he made his yearly report to the Tallest.  
Zim's heart nearly leapt with excitement as the stray thought reminded him of what day it was.  
"YES! I must call the Tallest today!" he squealed. He jumped in to the trash bin and quickly headed down to his lab. The Tallest had made him promise only to report once a year; they said it was for security reasons. He simply didn't grasp the fact that they didn't want anything to do with him.  
Zim scampered over to his large network of computers and turned them on, quickly setting up a signal to contact the Tallest. His gloved claws flew across the keyboard, his excitement evident with every movement. He loved reporting to the Tallest, even though he had nothing to report. The simple thrill of being on a mission more than made up for the failures.  
A flash surged across the screen, followed by the image of the Tallest. Tallest Red and Tallest Purple looked rather irritated. Zim wondered, briefly, if it was because he was a little late with his report; in actuality, it was because he was alive to make the report at all. Tallest Red sighed and covered his eyes as Tallest Purple fixed Zim with a gaze.  
Tallest Purple's jaw immediately dropped.  
"ZIM?" Tallest Purple choked. Tallest Red blinked, then moved his claws to see what had startled his cohort. Red's jaw dropped as well, surprise evident all over his face.  
"Yes, my Tallest!" Zim crowed, happily. "It is I, making my report!"  
"You've... grown," Tallest Purple blinked.  
"Ah-... um, yes," Zim admitted, flushing with embarrassment. "I assure you, I had no choice. It was a side-effect of this forsaken planet...,"  
"I like it," Tallest Red purred. Zim stopped short and blinked, uncomprehending, at the screen. "I like it a lot,"  
"Huh?" Zim stared. Tallest Red grinned, tapping his fingers together, as Tallest Purple cleared his throat.  
"I notice that your outfit... doesn't seem to fit anymore," he began. A sly grin slipped across his face. "It certainly doesn't... accent... your new appearance,"  
"No, sirs," Zim replied, looking thoroughly bewildered. He hadn't expected the report to go quite the way it was.  
"We have to have that fixed," Purple nodded, sagely. He glanced at Tallest Red, leering. "Don't we?"  
Tallest Red chuckled.  
"Oh yes, we do,"  
  
----------------------  
  
Dib shuffled through a large pile that coated the floor to his room. He searched, muttering quietly to himself as he examined various paranormal equipment. He sorted through cameras, folders, blueprints, and various 'anti-alien' weapons that he tended to use against Zim.  
Dib blinked, suddenly, and gently picked up a picture. He looked at it, thoughtfully. The picture was of Zim, though the alien was in his rather pathetic disguise. Zim looked outraged, shrieking from a perch high in a tree. Dib had chased the alien up the tree when he discovered that Zim had forgotten to take his usual precautions against water.  
Dib chuckled. Zim barely escaped the watery dousing Dib had planned, climbing the tree with incredible speed. The two had stood at a stalemate, as Dib couldn't get Zim but refused to let him get down. Eventually, however, Zim was more or less rescued by his odd little robot. The robot had blown up the tree, sending Zim and Dib flying in different directions.  
Dib glanced out the window, his eyes searching the stars. A couple years had passed since he first met Zim and set about capturing the rather odd alien. Many people thought he was obsessed with Zim; even when the two had entered highskool, Dib hounded the 'funny green-skinned kid'.  
Unfortunately for Zim, there were other teenagers in highskool who shared Dib's interests in the paranormal and actually started to believe him. Everything seemed to be going in Dib's favor until the unthinkable happened: one of the other kids had almost captured Zim. Dib shivered at the memory.  
One of the teenagers had set a devious plot; Dib was ashamed that he hadn't thought of it. Using the knowledge that Dib had aquired about Zim, the teenager had tricked Zim into stepping in the center of a large water fountain ring. The second Zim was in the center, gushes of water sprayed upwards around the alien to prevent his escape. Though he had bathed in paste, Zim was so terrified of the water that he was unable to do anything to escape. In the end, the only way Zim had escaped was through pure luck. One of the valves had broken, giving Zim just enough time to escape before the water closed in on him.  
Dib felt a growl form in his throat. After the incident, Dib had made it clear to the others that Zim was his responsibility. He had been after Zim for years, despite the ridicule and harassment, and no one but him had the right to capture the alien.  
Dib blinked, then tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling.  
Dib had practically grown up with Zim; there wasn't much about Zim that Dib didn't know, and vice versa. Though they were constantly at war, Dib was perhaps the first and only person to see Zim grow up in to a dashing young alien.  
Dib choked and shook his head. He scowled and glared down at his pictures of the Irken. He quietly arranged them, in chronological order. His eyes burned with an intense fire as he stared at them. When Zim had arrived on Earth, he had been a cute but utterly obnoxious alien with a definite ego problem. After years of living on earth, Zim...  
... was still a cute but utterly obnoxious alien with a definite ego problem.  
However, the cuteness itself had evolved from childish to a more adult feature. Dib smirked to himself. Perhaps, if Zim had worn something other than his stupid cocktail dress, the other children could have seen past his green skin and realized just how attractive the alien was.  
Dib blinked again, then growled.  
"He's the enemy," Dib hissed. "He's trying to CONQUER EARTH. Who cares about anything else!?"  
Dib picked up the pictures and stuffed them in a folder, then bit his lower lip.  
"Well, he's not THE enemy," Dib corrected himself. Such a general assessment had nearly cost Dib his alien. The truth was much more possessive; far more personal than the world. A sly grin crossed Dib face. "He's MY enemy," 


	2. Recognition

Warning: Hehehehehe, it's getting weirder!  
  
  
Chapter Two: Recognition  
  
  
Zim paced back and forth before his front door, eagerly, as GIR sat on the couch and munched on a large taco. The taco dripped sauce and meat all over the couch and floor, as well as on GIR. Normally, Zim would have freaked over the mess. However, he was far too excited to notice.  
The Tallest said they were going to send him an experimental uniform; a uniform that no one had worn before. They were going to give him the honor of wearing it first. The Tallest had ordered him to put it on as soon as it arrived, then contact them.  
Zim's heart leapt at the thought of such special treatment. He could only cackle at how jealous the other invaders must be.  
Just then, the doorbell rang.  
Zim whirled and lunged for the door, flinging it open to look around. At his feet, covered by flaking meteor chips, was a package. Zim quickly brought the package inside, then jumped on to the couch and tore it open.  
Zim stared, stupidly, in to the box and quickly took out the garments. He stared at the uniform, then blinked at GIR. GIR looked up at him, chewing noisily. Zim glanced back at the garments, then stood up.  
"I MUST CHANGE," he announced, striding from the room. GIR looked up, then shrugged. He continued to chew on his taco, then bent over to reach for the remote. However, he underestimated the distance and fell on his head. GIR squealed as he kicked his legs and waved his arms.  
"AAAAAAAH!" GIR cried. However, his panic quickly gave way to cackles of delight. "I CAN SEE UNDER THE COOOUCH! HI UNDER-THE-COUCH!"  
Soon enough, Zim re-entered the room. He flushed, slightly, as he adjusted the uniform. It was a very tight black bodysuit, which cut off at his knees and elbows. Large black army boots covered his feet while black fingerless gloves covered his claws. A silky red vest covered his shoulders, which matched the red belt and headband.  
Zim glanced down at himself, blinking.  
"Rather... tight," he muttered. He had struggled with the suit, which had resisted his attempts to put it on. In the end, Zim won the fight for dominace but wondered if that was a good thing. Zim sighed and headed for his lab, wincing with each step as his body slowly got used to the uniform.  
When Zim arrived at the monitor, he turned it on and attempted to call the Tallest. To his astonishment, the leaders of the Irken Empire immediately answered.  
Tallest Red and Purple took one look at Zim, then their eyes instantly glazed. If the either of them had owned noses, they'd be spraying blood all around the control room.  
"S-Sirs?" Zim blinked, cutely. Tallest Red and Purple whirled about, panting, as they tried to regain control of themselves.  
"Z-Zim," Purple choked, slowly straightening himself and turning to smile sweetly. "I see that the new uniform arrived,"  
"Yes, my Tallest!" Zim replied. He blinked and tilted his head. "It's very tight, though,"  
"Is it?" Red coughed, then turned to stand next to his purple cohort. "How so?"  
"Well, just look," Zim said, turning about to wiggle his behind. "It rides!"  
Tallest Purple and Red instantly choked, their eyes glazing once more. The two were blessed to not have noses; else, the both of them would have died from bloodloss at that very moment.  
Zim blinked at the screen, utterly baffled by the Tallests' reaction.  
"Have I done something wrong?" he squeaked.  
"N-no," Tallest Purple wheezed, still hunched over. "Th-thank you for pointing out the... er... tightness... of the uniform,"  
"Yessss," Tallest Red purred, looking rather dazed. "Thank you veeerrryyyy much,"  
"As a result," Tallest Purple continued. "We shall send you another top-secret uniform... for testing... to see if its any better,"  
"Yes sirs!" Zim grinned, flattered.  
"See you tomorrow, Zim," The Tallest beamed at Zim, who blushed lightly with pleasure. The transmission was disconnected, leaving a bewildered and pleased Zim to stand alone in his lab.  
"Imagine! Not only do the Tallest send me on a secret mission, but they allow me to test out the new line of Irken uniforms!" Zim crowed, happily. "They were wise to choose me! I SHALL BE THE BEST UNIFORM-TESTER EVERRRR!"  
Zim paused, and quickly adjusted the uniform so it didn't ride quite so far up.  
"However," he sighed. "It is time... FOR SKOOL,"  
He headed for the elevator and headed back up to the house, slipping on his contacts and wig. He used the headband to firmly attach his black wig to his head, the clowlick falling over the headband cutely.  
"I'll have to go in this," Zim muttered. "I don't have anything else to wear... outside of my tattered old uniform. And the Tallest might think I am being disrespectful if I do not. AND I AM NOT DISRESPECTFUL!"  
He held his head up high as he stalked towards the door, past GIR and the television set. GIR didn't even bother to look up from the Scary Monkey Show as his master passed by.  
"Bye, Master,"  
"Don't blow anything up, GIR," Zim commanded. "I AM... OFF FOR SKOOL,"  
"Okay Master," GIR agreed. Zim glanced at GIR, then proceeded out the door. The door slammed back in place, the noise echoing through the room. GIR suddenly blinked and glanced at the door. "Huh?"  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Zim didn't quite understand what had come over the humans; the entire highskool seemed to have caught some sickness that caused blood to shoot from their noses.  
The Irken invader had noticed such a thing the second he stepped on to the skool grounds. When the humans turned to look at him, blood suddenly started spewing from their noses.  
Zim scowled, irritated, and adjusted his uniform once more. He blinked and glanced about, noting that the humans who had seen him were convulsing on the floor in a large puddle of their own blood.  
With a frusterated snarl, Zim stalked towards the main doors to the highskool. More humans collapsed in heaps as he passed, which only fueled Zim's aggrivation.  
"Stupid stinkbeasts," Zim hissed under his breath. If there was one thing that Zim couldn't stand, it was not understanding something. He most certainly didn't understand the reasons behind the massive nose explosions.  
Zim stormed towards his locker, glaring at the humans with his usual condescending attitude. However, instead of teasing him, the humans quickly clamped their hands over their nose, which squirted blood like a fountain. Zim sighed, then came to a stop at his locker.  
"ZIM,"  
Zim blinked and glanced over his shoulder. A sneer spread across his face as Dib approached him from behind.  
"What do you want, DIB?" Zim snarled. His eyes, however, immediately shot up in alarm as Dib stared at him, then tilted his head back with a cry as blood exploded from his nose. Zim blinked repeatedly, then sputtered as his cheek twitched. "That does it," Zim hissed. "What's going on!? Is this some sort of nasty EARTHENOID illness?!"  
"Z-Zim," Dib choked, trying to stop the blood. "W-where'd you get th-that outfit?"  
"My uniform?" Zim blinked, then glanced down at himself. "... Why do you care?"  
"It's so... tight...," Dib wheezed. Zim scowled, then crossed his arms.  
"I know," Zim snarled. He blinked, then squealed and began to adjust his bodysuit again. "WAUGH!"  
Dib's eyes widened, then he let out a small squeak before the bloodflow increased drastically. Zim noticed Dib's reaction, then blinked innocently.  
"... What's wrong with you, DIB?"  
Dib could only let out a choked cry, before turning on his heels and running down the hallway. Zim stared, stunned, then shook his head.  
"Stupid, stinking humans," he grunted. He turned about just in time to see Gaz round the far right corner, typing away at her Game Slave Advance. Zim blinked, then put his claws on his hips and scowled at Gaz. Gaz calmly continued to walk, the sound of her footsteps and tapping echoed through the empty corridor. Zim momentarily wondered if she even knew he was there.  
Just as she was about to pass him, Gaz came to a stop. She looked up, slowly, and looked at Zim straight in the eyes. Zim gave a start, as he had only seen her bright hazel eyes when she was very angry. Zim felt himself begin to sweat, nervously. Had he made her angry?  
Gaz held his gaze for a moment, her face expressionless, before she finally spoke.  
"Nice buns," she said. Then, Gaz calmly returned to her game and continued down the hallway. Zim blinked repeatedly, watching as Gaz slowly disappeared from sight.  
"... Buns?" 


	3. The Suit Rides Again

Warning: Bwhahahahaha! I swear, I should be locked up.  
  
  
Chapter Three: The Suit Rides Again  
  
  
Zim sat, quietly, at his table in the cafeteria. He stared, absently, at the food glopped on the tray before him. He never actually ate; unlike GIR, he simply couldn't stomach the germy, unsanitary food that was skool lunch. His green peas, squashed and watery, clung to eachother in a bundle while his mashed potatoes and sticky meat chunk mingled to create a nasty soup.  
Zim cringed and pushed away the tray, his stomach rumbling unhappily. He silently promised himself to a nice, sanitary, healthy Irken meal once he returned to his house. A shiver ran up Zim's back, causing him to glance over his shoulder.  
Dib wathced him from across the lunchroom, as usual. His eyebrows arched, slightly, when Zim turned to look at him. Zim's eyes widened, slightly, as he noticed that two wads of toilet paper were shoved up Dib's nose, one in each nostril. Dib scowled, his expression both threatening and accusing. Zim scowled back as one of his gloved claws brushed back his cowlick.  
Zim's eyes slowly wandered to Dib's left, falling upon Gaz. Gaz sat next to her brother, as she always did, and played her gaming console. She never touched the cafeteria food, but for different reasons. Gaz was simply too busy playing her Game Slave Advance to eat food, save for pizza. Dib always ate what the cafeteria gave him, which disgusted Zim to no end.  
Zim scowled as he glanced between the two. Dib sneered and grabbed his plastic knife, then made extremely exaggerated movements as he split his hunk of meat right down the middle.  
Zim cringed, slightly, then grabbed his fork and made a great show of stabbing his own chunk of meat. Dib growled, then grabbed his spoon and proceeded to mash each and every one of his peas with utter viciousness.  
Dib and Zim glared at each other, fire sparking in their eyes. Zim suddenly leapt up on to his table and pointed, dynamically, at Dib.  
"WE END THIS NOW!" he shrieked.  
"You're on!" Dib hissed, climbing on to his table as well. Zim growled, crouching. Dib mimicked him, crouching as well. The two hissed at eachother until, suddenly, Zim began to squeal and hop around.  
"AAAUGH! IT RIDES! IT RIIIDES-!" Zim wailed, quickly adjusting his bodysuit once more. The crouching had aggrivated the tight material, causing it to slide in to an uncomfortable position.  
Dib's eyes bugged out as the two wads of toilet paper flew out of his nose, followed by a waterfall of blood. Other teenage humans had similar reactions as they fell out of their seats, blood spouting upwards in a fantastic waterworks display.  
Even Gaz seemed slightly affected by what Zim had done.  
One of the enemies actually managed to hit her.  
Gaz gasped, then growled in her throat and proceeded to mangle the 32 bit villian to utter oblivion, before raising her eyes to igaze/i at Zim.  
Zim didn't even notice the effect he had on the humans as he pranced about the table, desperately trying to fix his bodysuit.  
"WHY MUST IT RIDE?! WHY!? WHY!?" Zim shrieked. Gaz's eyes narrowed as she looked at Zim, then turned to gaze at her brother. Dib twitched, violently, on the ground as his nose continued to gush blood.  
"... hn," she grunted.  
  
--------------------  
  
Dib hung his head, looking throughly pale, as he and Gaz walked home from highskool. He had shoved entire rolls of toilet paper up either nostril, in an attempt to stop his enormous nosebleed. His eyes were rather glazed as he trudged along.  
Gaz typed, calmly, on her handheld gaming console as the two walked towards their house. Neither of them spoke as they walk, which was normal. Many people thought the two of them weren't close, but they simply couldn't see the connection. Words would only be wasted; the other's presense was all that was needed. They had many differences but, in the end, nothing mattered when the two were silent and basked in the other's company. That was all the support either needed.  
However, Gaz unexpectedly broke the silence.  
She glanced up from her game and peered at Dib.  
"I never noticed how cute Zim was," she muttered. Dib came to a screeching halt and stared at Gaz, as if she were insane.  
"He's an ALIEN! He's TRYING to take over our world!" Dib sputtered. "He's not cute! He's SCUM!"  
"So you're saying you aren't the least bit interested," Gaz glanced at her brother, through half-lidded eyes.  
"Interested in what?! Defeating him? YES! Capturing him? YES! Dissecting him? YES!" Dib raged.  
"Seeing what's under that insanely tight bodysuit?" Gaz injected.  
"YES-! ... Um, wait. What was the question?" Dib blinked.  
"Well then," Gaz purred, which sounded rather twisted coming from her. "If you're not interested, then there's no problem in me going after him,"  
"WHAT?!"  
Gaz didn't respond as she returned to her Game Slave Advance, signaling that the conversation was over. Dib fumed, his hands clenching in to fists.  
"He's an ALIEN! He's EVIL! He's GREEN, for goodness sake! He's-"  
"- got nice buns," Gaz finished. Dib stared, stunned, as Gaz continued down the sidewalk and disappered around the corner.  
  
------------------------  
  
Zim sighed as he slipped in to his home, slapping the door behind him. He glanced about, then shook his head. The room was in one piece, but that was a small mercy. The room was covered in confetti and empty taco wrappers. GIR slept on the couch, covered by a large straw sombrero.  
The green Irken sighed again, then stiffly walked towards the kitchen. His movements were pained and slow as he tried, desperately, to keep his bodysuit from riding up. He came to a stop before the toilet and stared at it.  
It was then that Zim realized he wasn't in the mood to conquer the world. Such knowledge terrified Zim; he was acutally so tired that he just wanted to sleep.  
Zim stared, stupidly, at the toilet. He glanced at the stairs leading to his nice, soft, normal bed. He could hear his bed becon him, informing him of its nice germless softness. The lab whispered about his mission and the conquest of humans, but it soon began to agree that bed sounded very nice.  
Zim sighed.  
"I'll destroy the humans tomorrow," he muttered.  
  
-------------------------  
  
Morning came all too soon for the poor Irken Invader. It seemed like he had just collapsed on his bed when the sun appeared over the accursed horizon to shine through the window.  
Zim groaned as he sat up, then winced.  
"When I conquer Earth, I'm going to make it so the days start five hours later," he grunted. He glanced around, then blinked.  
GIR stood in the doorway, holding a package up for Zim to see.  
"I've got a new friend!" GIR squealed. "His name is BOXIE,"  
"... MY NEW UNIFORM!" Zim squealed. He leapt from the bed, wearing his red pajamas, and grabbed the box. GIR squeaked, then sniffled as Zim tore open the box.  
"NOOO! BOXIE!" GIR sobbed. "I LOVEDED YOU! I LOVEDED YOOOOU!"  
"Shut up," Zim snorted. "You can have the box after I get my uniform,"  
GIR sniffled, then grinned.  
"Okay,"  
Zim grabed his uniform and threw the box at GIR, who caught it with a squeal. Then, Zim examined the fabric and blinked.  
"... It doesn't seem much better than the other one," he grunted. "Oh well... the Tallest are depending on me, so...!"  
Within moments, Zim was dressed and down in his lab. He glanced at the monitor as it attempted to contact the Tallest. He fidgeted, uncomfortably, in his new uniform. The 'uniform' in question was nothing more than a bunny girl outfit. The tight black bikini clung to his body, accenting his hips and muscles. A puffy green bunny tail was attached to the outfit, as well as a headband with large drooping green ears. A very short green skirt slipped over his hips, barely covering them. Knee-high boots and elbow-long gloves of green and black hugged his body as a halter top and fishnet stalkings finished the outfit.  
Zim was thoroughly uncomfortable. He blinked and looked up just in time to see the Tallest appear on screen.  
The Tallest stared for a few minutes at Zim, who innocently looked back.  
"Zim!" Purple gasped. "I see the... newest uniform arrived," he choked. Red nodded dully, staring. Zim blinked.  
"Are you hungry, my Tallest?" he asked.  
"Wha?" Tallest Red blinked.  
"You are drooling your divine spit," Zim pointed out. Red yelped and wiped away at his mouth, then grinned.  
"I'm ravenous," Red hissed. Purple smacked him upside the head, then grinned sweetly at Zim. Red rubbed the spot where Purple had hit him, then grinned at Zim as well.  
"Mind... turning around?" Purple inquired.  
"Of course, my Tallest!" Zim turned about, without really thinking what he was doing. The Tallest sighed, happily, and leaned back in their chairs.  
"Perfect," Purple chuckled.  
"But we can do so much better," Red agreed.  
"My Tallest?" Zim blinked.  
"We'll be sending you ANOTHER uniform to test!" Purple announced.  
"Also... we will pictures from this point forward," Red agreed.  
"Pictures?" Zim stared.  
"For our Irken Invader Elite calendar," Red replied. "You're such a good uniform model that we... have decided to grant you the honor of posing for every month of our calendar. All three hundred of them,"  
"Three hundred?" Zim stared. "But we only have twelve! The name number of months as this filthball-,"  
"We're extending the Irken Year," Purple explained, grinning. He tapped his fingers together. "Just so you can have more opportunities to model our new uniform line,"  
"I'm honored!" Zim gasped. "I don't know what to say!"  
"Heh heh heh," Red snickered.  
"Don't mention it," 


	4. Everyone's Favorite Honey Bunny

Warning: I'm very scary... yessss... but anyway! *giggles* According to the feedback, most people like the Tallests' appearances in this fic. So, I think I'll start giving them more scenes. XD Of course... I'm willing to listen to more feedback too! Which evil do you desire most?! PICK YER POISON! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
  
Chapter Four: Everyone's Favorite Honey Bunny  
  
  
Zim sighed as he walked towards highskool, his cute bunny ears drooping over his face. He glanced skyward and winced; it looked like rain. At such a thought, Zim shivered. He had taken extra care to bathe in paste before going to highskool, but that didn't change his general discomfort over water.  
He quickened his pace, in an attempt to atleast be inside the building before the rain hit. He scurried over the black tarred grounds, then noticed the general quiet of the grounds. Zim looked up and glanced around. The grounds weren't empty, as the lack of sound suggested. In fact, there were hundreds of teenagers about. However, all of them were staring at Zim in stupified silence.  
Zim headed for the doors, glancing about warily as the humans seemed to watch his every move. Unnerved, Zim darted in to the skool and leaned against the door.  
"What is wrong with the stinkbeasts today...?" he muttered. He glanced down the halls to see if he was alone, then quickly scampered towards his classroom. Once he arrived, however, he could only stare in shock. A familiar, twisted face turned to hiss at him.  
Ms. Bitters was sitting at the teacher's desk. Zim choked. Many of the teenagers had the same reaction; they had thought that they were free of Ms. Bitters once they left elementary skool. For a few glorious years, they were free from the gloom and despair that was Ms. Bitters.  
It was inconceivable that she was actually in their room at that moment.  
"Greetings, children," Ms. Bitters hissed. "It would seem that your pathetic, doomed lives have once again fallen under my care,"  
"What happened to Mrs. Summers?" Melvin, one of Zim's fellow classmates, whimpered. Ms. Bitters snapped her head about, hissing as her snake-like tongue flickered.  
"She was dooooomed," Ms. Bitters replied. "She experienced an accident.... she was doomed to experience it, as she was entirely pathetic. Much like all of you. Pathetic and doooooomed doooomed doooomed," she continued. The class whimpered and slouched in their seats. "Atleast, all of you except Zim,"  
Zim's eyes widened in alarm. He stared at Ms. Bitters from the doorframe, who turned to 'grin' at him. Though it might have been an expression of affection, it terrified Zim to his very core.  
"Why don't you come in and have a seat, ZIM?" she continued. "As you are NOT AS DOOMED as the rest of these pathetic people,"  
Zim nodded, stupidly, and trudged over to his seat. He stared as Ms. Bitters continued to 'smile' at him. A shiver ran up his spine, causing his cute bunny ears to quiver before flopping against his forehead.  
"This can't be good," he grumbled.  
"Now then," Ms. Bitters continued as she hunched over her desk. "I have reviewed the previously doomed teacher's schedule. I've decided to crap it and replace it with a more... appropriate... subject," she hissed, eyes darting about the class.  
"Let me guess," Zim muttered. "About the fact that we're doomed?"  
"No, my DEAR Zim," Ms. Bitters replied, as sweetly as the demonic woman could. Zim recoiled, shivering. "... we'll be learning...,"  
The class held their breath, dreading the answer.  
"... Sex Education,"  
  
---------------------------------------------  
  
Zim stared down at his lunch, even more disgusted than usual. Images of 'Sex Education' continued to flood his mind; horrible, nasty images of humans and bizarre things they did when their clothes came off.  
Zim shivered and swallowed his desire to retch. Many of his classmates had similar reactions, choosing to forego lunch in favor of trying to erase the disturbing images. Only Dib seemed mildly unphased as he chewed on his sandwich, though there was a distinctive glaze in his eyes.  
Zim continued to stare at his lunch when a shadow fell over him. Zim blinked and looked up to see Gaz standing directly behind him. He immediately noticed that her Game Slave Advance was in her pocket. The sight was far more disturbing than naked humans. Zim gave a start and recoiled, unsure of how to respond.  
"W-what is it you want, stinkbeast?" Zim hissed. Gaz stepped closer, causing Zim to press against the table in fear.  
"You will take me to Bloaty's tomorrow," she said.  
"What?" Zim stared.  
"You will pick me up at seven. Then, we will go have pizza at Bloaty's," Gaz continued.  
"WHY WOULD I TAKE-!?" Zim began, indignant. Gaz's eyes opened, fixing Zim with the mother-of-all-gazes. Zim stopped in mid-sentence, staring at her.  
"You will," she repeated, her eyes piercing Zim's very soul.  
"Yes...," Zim squeaked, cowering. "Perfect idea. I would love to take a stinkbeast to eat disgusting cheesy cheese pizza,"  
Gaz held Zim's gaze for a moment longer, before turning and heading over to the table where Dib sat. Zim watched her leave, trying to control his trembling, as Dib stared at Gaz in pure shock and anger. As Gaz sat down and pulled out her Game Slave Advance, Dib glared at her.  
"What do you think you're doing?" he hissed.  
"You said you weren't interested," Gaz replied as she turned on her game console and proceeded to play.  
"That doesn't mean-!" Dib growled.  
"Jealous?" Gaz inquired, calmly.  
"NO!" Dib sputtered. "Don't you see!? He's going to impregnate you with his horrible Zim-thingie spores! He's going to perform hideous tests on you! He's going to-,"  
"Go on a date with me to Bloaty's," Gaz replied. "Now be quiet. You're drowning out my sound,"  
"You're making a mistake!" Dib snarled.  
"I thought I told you to be quiet," Gaz muttered. Dib scowled, clenching and unclenching his fists.  
"You have no idea what you're getting involved with," Dib hissed. "But I'll make sure he doesn't make any moves...," Dib blinked, then growled deep in his throat. "... or vice versa,"  
  
------------------------------  
  
"Oooo, I like this one!"  
"You like all of them," Tallest Purple snorted. Tallest Red glanced at his cohort, then grinned widely and hugged a bundle of photos to his chest.  
"You're right!" he grinned, then proceeded to drool. Purple cast Red a glare, then returned to sorting through a huge mound of photos featuring Zim in various poses and states of undress. The two were reclining in their Tallest Suite, which was a luxurious room in their large armada ship that no one else was allowed to enter. It was filled with expensive portraits and various prizes from conquered planets, as well as two huge fluffy beds and a jacuzzi filled with what looked like pink sugar.  
The two sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by hundreds of photos. Purple randomly selected one and peered at it. A big grin crossed his face, followed by a snicker.  
"Hmm hmmm hmmm," he grinned. "Not particularly camera shy, is he?"  
"That's gooood," Red agreed as he stuffed various photos in albums. Purple chuckled, then picked another photo. His eyes bugged out as he stared at it. Red noticed his comrade's response and glanced over his shoulder. His eyes widened, as well.  
"By the Tallest, which are us," Purple whispered. "Is that POSSIBLE?"  
Red tilted his head, slowly, as a lewd grin crossed his face.  
"I'd like to see how he managed THAT pose," he grinned. Purple tilted his head as well, blinking slowly.  
"... It's definitely creative," Purple admitted. He yelped when Red grabbed the photo from his claws.  
"YESSSSSSSSSS," Tallest Red snarled, eyes getting a maniacal light as he held the picture close for a better view. Purple blinked, slowly, then returned to sorting through the pictures.  
"We've got to get more," Purple muttered as he continued to sort through the photos. He blinked and glanced at Red, then scowled. Red was still leering at the photo, unable to look away, as a river of drool flowed from his mouth. "There are other photos, you know," Purple pointed out.  
"So... much... ZIM," Red gurgled. Purple blinked, then sighed.  
"We need to decide on another outfit to send Zim," he said.  
"Leather," Red snarled.  
"... Uh?" Purple blinked. "LEATHER? Isn't that a bit-,"  
"LEATHER," Red repeated. "Tight, dirty, kinky leather!"  
Purple blinked and pondered his companion's suggestion. After a moment, he grinned and nodded.  
"Sure, it might be fun," 


	5. Keep The Pizza, I Want A Piece Of Zim

Warning; Okay, now it's getting even more scary! Heh heh heh. OH! And did anyone notice? I got my first flamer. It's kinda cowardly, though. Didn't even list their name. I mean, if yer going to be closeminded, atleast have the guts to post a name. But it's kinda sad. I mean... Invader Zim is filled with tons of disturbing things (Dark Harvest, anyone?). And yet there are actually narrowminded Invader Zim fans. That almost sounds like an oxymoron. You chuckle when Zim spits up an intestine but you call my fic disgusting? Helloooooo... there's something wrong with that. Sure, you're allowed to hate this sort of thing. ... But that doesn't give you a right to force it on me or ANYONE ELSE. Invader Zim or ANY other series. A wise man once said that opinions are like butts. Everyone has one and no one thinks theirs stink. Keep that in mind and wiggle yer butt elsewhere, okay?  
  
As for the rest of you people who have a sense of humor... sorry you had to see that. But I just had to say it. It's one of those things about me. When something bothers me, I MUST SAY IT. I feel better now, though. And thus... I grace you with... something truly scary.  
  
  
Chapter Five: Keep The Pizza, I Want A Piece Of Zim  
  
  
"Gaz!"  
"Not now," Gaz grunted. "I'm getting ready for my date,"  
Dib jumped in front of Gaz and waved a long print out in front of her face. Gaz stopped to look at him.  
"Listen to reason!" Dib protested. He waved the paper. "This is a list of reasons why you should not go out with Zim!"  
Gaz peered at the paper.  
"... All it says is 'He's an alien' over and over," Gaz pointed out.  
"That's a damn good reason!" Dib cried. Gaz stared at Dib, then walked around him. Dib growled and rolled up the paper, then pointed at Gaz. "Time for drastic measures!" he scowled. Gaz turned to look at him. Dib whirled and stormed in to the kitchen. "DAD! GAZ IS GOING OUT WITH AN ALIEN!"  
Professor Membrane looked up from his extravagant attempts to boil water, which involved a nuclear generator and a microscope.  
"Oh? The funny foreign kid?" their father inquired as he returned to his efforts. "Ask him what country he's from, won't you? He might be from the same nation as your great aunt,"  
Dib stared, flabbergasted, before letting out a dejected sigh and slunk in to the living room. He groaned and collapsed on the couch, massaging his temples.  
"... you give up?" Gaz asked as she zipped up her coat, glancing at Dib. Dib didn't respond. Instead, he grabbed one of his magazines and proceeded to read it. He avoided looking at his sister, keeping his head down. Gaz arched an eyebrow, then shrugged.  
The doorbell rang, causing Gaz to turn about and open the door. Zim stood, awkwardly, on the doorstep. He tugged, absently, on the new uniform he sported. Very short black leather pants squeezed his hips, complimented with knee-high leather boots decorated with straps. A leather harness twisted about Zim's chest, with buckles and straps dangling off in different directions. Zim looked thoroughly uncomfortable.  
"Greetings, stinkbeast," Zim grunted as he fiddled with his uniform.  
Gaz turned to fix her brother with a gaze. Dib continued to read his magazine, acting as if neither existed. Gaz paused, then stepped out the door and closed it behind her. Dib waited for a few tense moments before he set down his magazine. Dib tilted his head, as if listening. More moments passed until Dib grinned widely. He stood up and walked over to the closet. He opened up the closet door, then grinned wolfishly as he pulled out his stealth-ninja gear from the corner; it was the gear he used when infiltrating Zim's lab.  
Dib chuckled as he slipped on the gear, covering his entire body with the protective shadowed fabric. He slipped metal hooks in the gloves, then pulled the hood over his face so that only his glasses could be seen. Dib turned about and admired his reflection in the hall mirror.  
"Perfect... they'll never suspect," Dib purred. He grinned, wickedly. "Don't mind me, Gaz... I'm just going to make sure nothing happens to you or my evidence,"  
  
------------------------  
  
Zim sat, tensely, in the stall at Bloaty's Pizza Hog. His eyes darted around, warily, as the animatronic creatures wobbled around and croaked. The terrified Irken's breathing was hysterical, as if he expected the machines to suddenly lunge at him in a rabid fit.  
Gaz sat, calmly, on her side of the stall and waited for the pizza. She debated telling Zim the animatronics wouldn't hurt him, but ultimately decided against it.  
Suddenly, an odd moose animatronic with a claw for a hand slithered over to their table and placed a large steaming pepperoni pizza on the table. Zim's eyes widened as the moose snapped its claws in his direction.  
Zim yelped and lunged across the table. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around Gaz's neck and shivered uncontrollably.  
Gaz opened an eye and found herself debating whether to go for her initial reaction to seriously maim Zim or whether to simply grin and enjoy it.  
It was a tough decision.  
In the end, Gaz simply grinned a crooked little smile and grabbed a piece of pizza. She munched on her greasy food while Zim continued to cling to her, shaking violently. His eyes darted around, thoroughly paranoid. He was so obsessed with the 'bizarre Earthenoid monsters' that he didn't even notice that Gaz was eating pizza; he never could tolerate the sound of greasy, gooey, human food.  
Neither noticed the shadowy figure crouched on the rafters, clinging to the wooden roof with sharp metal claws. The figure narrowed his eyes and growled, dangerously, as his large black cowlick dangled over his eyes.  
"I knew it," Dib snarled. "I'm going to have to put an end to THIS,"  
Quickly, Dib reached in to his pack to grab a small little device. He glanced around, then quickly dropped it right by the moose animatronic as it walked by Zim's table once more, carrying another patron's order.  
The device quivered, sending a surge of electricity in the the floor. The animatronic jumped, sparks flying, and landed right on top of the table in front of Zim and Gaz. Gaz jumped, startled, as cheese splattered across the booth. She growled and glanced around for the culprit.  
Zim had an entirely different reaction. He let out a strangled shriek and lunged out of the booth, away from Gaz. He landed in the isle, on his knees, then glanced up to see a hideous bird-like animatronic wobbling towards him. Zim let out another shriek and darted away.  
The animatronics seemed to close in on Zim, like a pack of vicious predators that sense fresh blood. Everywhere the alien turned, there was another animatronic making its way towards him. His heart raced as he panted, desperately trying to escape from the singing machines on a rampage.  
Zim scrambled for the back room, which seemed to be his only escape. He tumbled to the floor, with a squeal, when a wombat-type animatronic seemingly lunged to grab his leg. Zim winced as he hit the floor, then hysterically kicked at his attacker.  
"AWAY! AWAAAAAY!" he cried.  
"Doo bee doo bee doo bee!" the wombat croaked as it pawed Zim's leg.  
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Zim wailed. He slammed his free foot directly in the wombat's face, sending it flying, before he darted towards the back door and disappeared from sight.  
Soundlessly, Dib dropped from the rafters and darted after the terrified alien. Gaz's eyes narrowed dangerously as cheese dripped down her cheek. Many of the other patrons backed away in sheer terror as Gaz seemed to radiate negative energy.  
"He... will... iPAY/i,"  
  
----------------------  
  
Zim stumbled through the alley, blindly, as he tried to escape the animatronics. He didn't realize they weren't after him anymore, though their dreadful song could still be heard. With a whimper, Zim collapsed to his knees and covered his eyes. He willed his fear away, silently scolding himself for running away from the strange Earthenoid monsters. No Irken Invader should fear anything; especially stinkbeast monsters.  
But even then, Zim felt fear grip his heart as the song continued to fill the alley. It was almost as if the creatures were right there in the alley with him...  
Zim tensed, eyes widening, as he felt a claw slither up his back and stop on his shoulder.  
"Doo bee doo bee doo bee...," a voice hissed. Zim arched his back and let out a strangled scream. He whirled, swatting at the claw, then came to a stop. He stared, dumbfounded, as Dib smirked at him. Dib twirled a mechanical claw, no doubt a spare part he had picked up from the back room, and patted his palm with it.  
"It's... YOU?!" Zim choked.  
"Hello, ZIM," Dib sneered.  
"S-stupid stinkbeast!" Zim snarled. "How dare you-!"  
"DOO BEE DOO BEE DOO BEE," Dib repeated, reaching out to touch Zim with the spare claw. Zim squeaked and scrambled back, then flushed with embarrassment. Dib chuckled as he tilted his head, running his fingers over the shiny claw. A thoughtful expression drifted across his face, causing Zim to blink in confusion.  
"What are you looking at, stupid human!?" he demanded as his hands shot up to make sure his wig and contact lenses were still in place.  
"... Gaz was right," Dib said, quietly. "... I never noticed how... cute... you can be. Especially when you look so scared and...," Dib's eyes narrowed and loomed forward as shadows drifted across his face, making him look like a demon. "... iHELPLESS/i,"  
Zim's automatic denial of helplessness instantly died on his lips as his eyes widened. Dib grinned, wickedly, as he approached the alien. Zim scrambled back, his heart racing. He had never seen Dib look so eerie and possessed before. Normally, Dib was simply determined. However, the flare in his eyes was not unlike that of Gaz's when one trifled with her gaming experience. The look filled Zim with the uncontrollable urge to flee.  
And flee he did.  
Zim scrambled to his feet and darted out of the alley. He glanced back to see Dib in hot pursuit, the insane look still in his eyes. Zim yelped and ducked down a few side streets with the hope of losing Dib. After many twists and turns, Zim glanced back to see that Dib was nowhere to be seen. Zim let out a sigh of relief and darted towards his home base and safety.  
However, Zim momentarily forgot that Dib knew where he lived.  
As Zim rounded the lawn gnomes, he was suddenly thrown forward and slammed against the front door. Zim squeaked then twisted about, alarmed, to see Dib holding his arms firmly behind his back. Zim's eyes widened drastically as Dib began to chuckle.  
Zim's heart raced as Dib pinned him against the front door, leaning far too close for the Irken's comfort.  
"How long have we known each other?" Dib asked, quietly.  
"...," Zim stared, unable to respond.  
"We know everything about each other, don't we?" Dib continued, as if he didn't care that Zim did not respond. Zim gulped and glanced around, hoping the lawn gnomes would activate and rescue him. When they didn't, Zim winced and realized that GIR must have been chewing on the wires again.  
"I've been chasing you a very... long... time...," Dib hissed. "... and I think that entitles me to certain rights,"  
"R-rights?" Zim squeaked, breathlessly.  
"And I expect to claim those rights," Dib growled.  
"What... rights?" Zim whispered. Dib merely smirked and leaned forward, closing his eyes. Zim felt alarm run up his spine as Dib inched closer and closer, the human's lips hovering inches above his own. Zim closed his own eyes, unable to think of what to do, as he felt the human's warm breath against his skin. Zim tensed, waiting for Dib to strike...  
Suddenly, the door flew open and Zim found himself falling backwards with a gasp. Dib's eyes flew open just in time to find the door slamming shut in his face.  
Zim sat up, surprised, and glanced at GIR as the small S.I.R. locked the door and turned to look at his master. With a delighted giggle, the S.I.R. lunged forward and landed on Zim's chest, pushing him back down to the floor.  
"Welcome home, master!" GIR cried, snuggling.  
"GIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING-!" Zim roared. His eyes bugged out, unable to continue, as GIR promptly leaned forward and kissed him. Then, GIR jumped off of Zim and walked over to the couch as if nothing had happened. Zim blinked and touched his lips, gingerly. "GIR... what...?" he choked. GIR sat on the couch and glanced at his master, then shrugged.  
"I saw it happen on a show and wondered what it was like," he replied, innocently. Zim stood up, numbly, and sat down on the couch by GIR.  
"And...?" Zim couldn't help but ask.  
"... Hm," GIR blinked. "... Better than brainfreezies but not as good as tacos,"  
Zim could only stare, stunned, at his S.I.R. as he sat on the couch. 


	6. Revenge Of The Bestest Squirrel Molester

Warning: Blah. I wanted to send this out for my birthday (which was October 25th) but Fanfiction.net just HAD to be EVIL, didn't it!? BLAH BLAH BLAH! *stomps around, frusterated, then blinks as the pink bunnies cackle insanely*   
  
... Anyway. *points* I reinstate my warning that this fic will include numerous couplings. If you don't like it... then tough tacos. I didn't write this for you nor do you have to read it. If you do, it's yer fault. And I'll sit and laugh at you with my friends if you have the audacity (but not the intelligence) to try and flame me. :D   
  
This is for you guys who aren't morons and will be treated like civilized adults. I've decided to ask you guys for imput as to WHO you'd like to see kiss Zim. That would include Dib, Gaz, GIR (lucky little...), Ms. Bitters (... oh please no), Keef, or... someone else I haven't thought of! It doesn't even need to involve ZIM. You can leave it as a review or, if you're shy, simply email it to me. OKIE? XD   
  
  
  
Chapter Six: Revenge Of The Bestest Squirrel Molester   
  
  
Dib muttered, angrily, as he sulked in to his home. He rubbed his sore nose and adjusted his glasses, which had somehow avoided being cracked against the hard surface of Zim's front door. He peered around, carefully, before continuing inside.   
"Looking for someone,"   
Dib jumped with a gasp and whirled to find Gaz standing behind him, her eyes shadowed by her bangs and the darkness.   
"Gaz," Dib breathed. His eyes darted around. "I'm... so glad you're safe,"   
"Your doom is at hand," Gaz snarled. Thunder rumbled, as if to punctuate her words, as the skies darkened to a hideous gray. Dib laughed, nervously, and backed up.   
"You always say that. It doesn't frighten me!" he cried.   
"It will," Gaz replied, her voice barely a hiss. "Tomorrow... you will begin to feel my wrath. Simple doom isn't enough, Dib...," Gaz lifted her head to peer at Dib with one of her wicked eyes. "You will beg me to end the madness. But I won't,"   
With that, Gaz strode in to the house and sat down on the couch. She pulled out her Gameslave Advance and proceeded to pound away at the keys.   
"W-what're you talking about?" Dib stared. Gaz ignored him. Dib stood, uncertainly, as Gaz's game music filled the room. His eyes darted around, warily, as he stood. "... Nothing's going to happen," he said, almost daringly. He looked at Gaz, then crossed his arms. "... Nothing at all!"   
"You'll see,"   
  
----------------------   
  
"Heh heh heh," Red cackled as he routed through on a large pile of scantly clothed Zim photos. "I never suspected he'd... turn in to THIS,"   
"To think we wanted him dead," Purple agreed as he continued to attach some of the more juicier photos in to a large album. Hundreds of albums sat behind him, filled to the brim with photos of a certain Invader.   
"Hey, if you're this sexy...," Red waved a photo of Zim in the leather outfit as he looks over his shoulder in a sensual manner. "... you're allowed to make a few mistakes,"   
"Including destroying a section of Irk?" Purple asked, dryly.   
"Hell, I'd forgive him if he blew up most of Irk!" Red replied as he grabbed a handful of photos. "Just so long as he wears something tight and skimpy while he does it,"   
"... There's something wrong with your priorities," Purple grunted as he continued his work. Red shrugged, helplessly, and then continued with his delighted snickering. Purple looked up, his cheek twitching slightly, before he grabbed a few more photos to look through and put in the albums. His eyes bugged out when he came across Zim stretched out on a rug, blinking innocently, with a full moon out.   
Purple promptly put down the photo and fanned himself, eyes glazing.   
"Eeeeh," he sighed. He unbuttoned the front of his uniform and fanned himself, panting. "Must get control of myself," he thought, sighing. He shook his head, then tensed. He looked up to see Red looking at him, oddly. Red peered over the edge of the photos, his expression both thoughtful and accusing. Purple blinked repeatedly. "... What?"   
"How long have you been hiding THAT?" Red asked, pointedly.   
"Hiding what?" Purple blinked. Red put down the photo and grinned, wolfishly. He leaned forward and traced a claw down Purple's exposed chest, who squeaked in surprise.   
"THAT," Red repeated.   
"Are you on galactic drugs or something?" Purple asked, dryly, as he tried to hide a light blush. Red simply grinned and leaned closer.   
"What ELSE are you hiding in there?" Red asked as he grabbed both sides of Purple's uniform and proceeded to decent on his surprised cohort.   
"What're you DOING?!"   
"Aw! Don't fight!"   
"HEY-! Don't do that!"   
"Hmmm, what? This?"   
"EEEYAH! YES! THAT!"   
"Is it okay if I do this then?"   
"NO!"   
"You SUUUURE?"   
"DON'T DO THA-Aaaaaaaaaah!"   
"Hehe, I knew you'd like it,"   
Two Irken guards turned to stare at eachother, blankly, as they stood outside the Tallests' door. They glanced, curiously, back at the door then shook their heads.   
"It's not worth finding out," one observed. "It just isn't,"   
His companion nodded. The two guards then proceeded to ignore the strange sounds coming from their leaders' room.   
  
-------------------------   
  
Zim sighed, quietly, as he sat in class and listened to Ms. Bitters ramble on and on about the state of their doomed existences. She would occasionally cast Zim a look that 'might' have been affectionate for her, but Zim chose to ignore them or else become greatly traumatized.   
Zim tugged at his outfit, muttering to himself. He wasn't sure if it was coincidence or not, but the uniforms seemed to grow more and more skimpy. His current uniform was nothing more than a tight black bikini with a black mesh stocking body suit underneath. It didn't ride like the other outfits, but that was simply due to the fact that there wasn't enough clothing to ride in the first place.   
The outfit was positively drafty.   
Zim looked up, then paled. Dib watched him, his expression much like a vulture's, from across the room. Images of the previous night flooded his mind, causing him to shiver slightly.   
"HI!"   
Zim jumped, startled, and glanced over his shoulder to find himself face to face with Keef. Zim blinked repeatedly, then recoiled.   
"YOU!?" he hissed. Keef grinned brightly and nodded. "... YOU!?" Zim repeated, dumbfounded. Keef nodded, happily. Zim blinked then massaged his temples as he slumped in his chair. Keef leaned forward and grinned.   
"Guess what I heaaard," Keef said, in a sing-song manner.   
"Oh, tell me. Tell me," Zim replied, his voice extremely monotone.   
"I heard you care about meeee," Keef giggled. Zim's eyes widened and he turned to stare at Keef.   
"... What are you talking about, filthy wormbaby!?" Zim hissed. Keef leaned forward and grinned, his face inches away from the Invader's.   
"I care about you, too!" Keef replied.   
Dib snarled, his fingers digging in to his desk, as Keef hovered far too close to Zim. Dib's eyes narrowed.   
"What does he think he's doing?" Dib growled.   
It seemed that only days before, no one wanted anything to do with Zim. Dib had Zim all to himself, as no one really cared that Zim existed in the first place. But then the little green alien came to skool wearing an outfit that instantly got him recognition. Suddenly, nearly everyone threatened his claim to the Irken Invader. The very thought was infuriating; the entire skool ignored Zim and Dib for so long, and then suddenly force their way in to a game they knew nothing about and interfere!   
Dib winced, suddenly, as his nails created deep scratches in the wood as well as splinters for his trouble. Dib sucked on his fingers, trying to work out the wood slivers, as he watched Keef pester Zim with growing aggitation.   
"Wasn't he arrested, anyway?" Dib grunted. "For molesting squirrels?"   
Dib was totally unaware of Gaz, who stood just outside his window on the skool grounds. Her head was bowed, her form covered in shadow. She stood, quietly, before slowly looking up. Her eyes fell upon the unknowing Dib, who continued to glare murderously at Keef. A wicked smile slowly inched its way across Gaz's face, causing nearby squirrels and birds to scream and fall to the ground with spasms.   
"It begins," she purred.   
  
------------   
  
Zim whimpered to himself as he sat in the cafeteria, shivering slightly. Keef hovered ever near, his sickening smile and cheerful attitude acting like a smothering fog that threatened to suffocate him.   
"Do I really have to kill the stupid beast to make him stop?" Zim sighed.   
"HEY BUDDY!"   
Zim flinched and looked up. He jumped, startled, when Keef grabbed his tray of food and flung it through the air. The tray smashed in to Old Kid, who squealed and fell over in a heap. Zim stared as Keef reached in to his backpack, then proceeded to cover the cafeteria table with a long white tablecloth. Keef pulled out candles and lit them, arranging them in an elegant display.   
When Keef placed a silver platter before him, Zim wasn't sure whether to faint or run screaming. Keef lifted the lid to reveal a fancy lunch of caviar, mashed potatoes, and what appeared to be a large tongue.   
"Do you like it?" Keef cackled. "I prepared it just for you! Cow Tongue!" He leaned forward to the horrified Zim. "That's french, you know,"   
Zim could only squeak in response. Keef smiled, sweetly, and took the fork. He cut a bit of food with the knife, then held the fork out to Zim.   
"Open wiiiiide!" he cooed. Zim could only stare, his mouth hanging open dangerously from shock. He couldn't close it fast enough to avoid the fork, whick Keef deftly inserted in his mouth.   
Zim sputtered and spat as Keef proceeded to cut Zim another morsel of food.   
If anyone had looked at Dib, they would have sworn he was rabid. Dib clenched his plate and quivered, his lips curled up in a snarl, as he watched Keef hand-feed (or rather force-feed) Zim. His eyes blazed with rage as every poor seemed to ooze anger and intense dislike for Keef.   
Gaz seemed oblivious as she played her Game Slave Advance, her fingers typing dully on the buttons.   
"How... dare... he...," Dib hissed, his voice deep and resonating.   
"... they do make a cute couple," Gaz said, her voice dull and monotone. Dib turned to stare at her, unsure if she were being serious or sarcastic. Gaz gave no sign of either as she continued to play her game.   
Dib stared, then turned to glare at Keef. Keef smiled, purring encouragement and praises as Zim sputtered and spat out the food that the deranged human continued to shove in his mouth.   
Dib narrowed his eyes dangerously, his fingers twisting around his spoon before snapping it in half.   
Gaz looked up and smirked, ever so slightly. Then, she returned to her game with a satisfied grunt. Dib didn't notice his sister's reaction as he continued to watch Keef, plotting all sorts of revenge tactics against the squirrel molesting Keef.   
"Away with you-!" Zim barked, only to regret opening his mouth when Keef shoved in a rather large piece of cow tongue. Zim sputtered violently as Keef tilted his head and grinned.   
"Isn't that yummy?" Keef purred.   
"NO!" Zim cried. "FOOLISH HUMAN-!"   
Keef shoved in another fork-full of food, much to the Irken's displeasure. He beamed happily as Zim sputtered and cursed at him, then looked up to see Dib. Keef blinked, then smiled and waved to Dib.   
Dib's jaw clenched as his fingers found his fork and snapped it in half as well. He made a slicing gesture across his throat. Keef blinked, then itched his forehead. Dib growled and pointed at the broken silverware, then at Keef. Keef blinked again, then smiled and held up an extra set of silverware, as if to ask if Dib wanted to use it.   
Dib growled deep in his throat as Keef continued to smile, stupidly. His eyes drifted to the destroyed silverware, then focused on Keef once more.   
"A couple?" he breathed. "... I don't think so,"


	7. CALL ME QUEEN

Warning: Kyehehehe. Looks like most people want either Gaz or Dib. Sounds fun! Let's see what I do with that! ^_^ ... Anyway... this is a very weird fic with all sorts of pairings and such... You've been warned! YES! YES, YOU HAVE! BWAHAHAHA! WAAAAAARNED! WARNED, MY LITTLE FLAMER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA-  
  
... javacola.  
  
  
Chapter Seven: CALL ME QUEEN  
  
  
The morning sun slowly edged in to the sky, as if fearful of what it might find. The day before had been filled with the terror that was Keef. Keef had followed Zim home from highskool and, for many hours, repeatedly rang his doorbell.  
The hideous siege had continued long in to the night, as Keef refused to leave and continued his assault on the doorbell. Eventually, Keef had been distracted by the neighborhood squirrels and momentarily forgot about Zim.  
Morning continued to spread its warm rays across the city before settling down in to its usual routine.  
GIR trotted in to the living room, humming happily, as he tilted his head back and forth. He marched towards the windows, which were closed tightly with the curtains drawn.  
"Maaaaaasterrrrrr!" GIR sang, happily, as he opened the curtains with an enthusiastic flourish. "It's time to go to SKOOOOL!"  
"Can't go... Keef will get me... can't go... Keef will get me... can't go... Keef will get me...," Zim whispered, huddled in a corner. GIR blinked, then giggled.  
"AWWWW!" GIR crooned. "Master needs a hug!"  
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. GIR looked up, then squealed and ran for the door.  
"NO!" Zim shrieked, lunging to grab the SIR. GIR dodged Zim and flung the door open with a giggle. Zim yowled and brought up his arms, to shield himself, and waited.  
... for nothing to happen.  
Zim blinked and opened an eye.  
Dib stood in the doorway, looking squarely at Zim with an almost unreadable expression. Zim blinked, then leapt to his feet and pointed at Dib.  
"YOU?!" he cried.  
"Yes, me," Dib said, tensely. "Get ready. We're going to skool,"  
"ME!? GO TO SKOOL!? WITH YOOOOU?" Zim repeated, rearing back in a melodramatic fashion. Dib snorted, then leaned forward and smirked.  
"Would you rather go with Keef?"  
Moments later, Zim walked dully down the sidewalk next to Dib. He glared, poisonously, at the concrete while trying his best to ignore the smirking human beside him.  
"Keef doesn't bother me, you know," Zim grunted.  
"He bothers ime/i," Dib replied.  
"You?" Zim arched an invisible eyebrow.  
"You're my alien," Dib said. "I'm not letting anyone else have you,"  
"ZIM BELONGS TO NO OOOOOONE!" Zim cried.  
"Be quiet or Keef will find you," Dib commented.  
Zim instantly silenced and returned to musing as he walked.  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
"Damn it," Purple grunted as he glared at the personal transmitter in the Tallests' quarters. "Missed him again," he sighed, leaning back and tapping his claws idly against his chair. "Little bastard's certainly busy, isn't he?"  
Purple glanced around the room, idly, as he scowled.  
"I forgot to send him a new outfit," he muttered.  
"That's okay,"  
Purple's eyes widened as he turned to look over his shoulder. Red smirked, wickedly, from across the room. He put his claws on his hips as he stood, seemingly towering over Purple even though they were the same size, as he wore a tight red and black dominatrix outfit. His eyes sparkled, evilly. Purple stared, unsure of whether he should run.  
"If I can't play with Zim," Red began, casually. He reached in to the front of his outfit. He pulled out a very tight leather slave outfit, complete with spiked collar, and what looked suspiciously like a leash. He tossed Purple a very wicked look. "... then I'll play with you," he finished.  
Purple slowly backed away, a light flush appearing on his cheeks.  
"Um...," Purple's eyes darted about.  
"Ooooh," Red purred. "I hoped you'd...," Red dropped the outfit on the floor and reached in to his outfit once more only to pull out a set of cat-o-nine tails. "... RESIST...,"  
Purple squeaked, then turned tail and bolted for the door.  
"YOU'RE INSANE!" he cried as he attempted to open the door, only to find it locked.  
"No... don't call me INSANE...," Red snickered as he approached his consort. "Call me... iQUEEN!/I"  
Purple stopped and looked at Red, oddly.  
"... but you're male,"  
"... DO NOT QUESTION YOUR QUEEN!"  
A loud snap soon followed, as well as the sound of clothes being torn by the sheer force of the blow.  
"OW! THAT HURT!"  
"It's supposed to!"  
Another snap issued forth, echoing with the sound of impact against bare skin and clothes.  
"EYAH! DON'T DO THAT!"  
"Want me to kiss it and make it better?"  
"NO!"  
"Too bad. I will, anyway,"  
"H-HEY!"  
"Mmmm, needs to be TENDERIZED,"  
More snaps issued, followed by the sounds of yelping and a demented cackle. The two Irken guards glanced at each other, warily, as they debated the wisdom of rescuing Purple from his 'assailant'.  
Their pondering was quickly interrupted by the sound of an adorable whimper, then an evil snicker.  
"Say iiiit...,"  
"No...,"  
"SAY IIIIT!"  
"NO!"  
A loud whip snap issued.  
"...! Q-QUEEN!"  
"AGAIIIIN!"  
"...,"  
Another snap of the whip.  
"EEEYAH! QUEEN!"  
"Agaaaain!"  
"... Queen?"  
"Agaaaaaain...,"  
"Queeeeeeeeeen...,"  
"Mnnn...,"  
The two guards shivered.  
"He can save his own hide," the first muttered. The second one nodded vigorously.  
"Yup, yup," he agreed.  
"Didn't hear nuthin'... don't know nuthin'...," the first continued as he turned to face forward.  
"Right," the second agreed. "Just a perfectly... quiet... night,"  
  
--------------  
  
Zim peered about, warily, as he settled in to his desk. The room was empty, as the Dib human had dragged them both to skool relatively early. Zim yawned, slightly, and massaged his forehead. He had never gone to skool so early before.  
The sound of metal scraping against the ground jarred Zim from his drowsy daze. He looked up, sharply, to see Dib moving his desk next to Zim's while adjusting the rest of the class accordingly.  
"... What are you doing," Zim grunted.  
"Rearranging," Dib replied. He looked up and grinned, slightly. "What's wrong? Don't they rearrange on your planet?"  
"Now you're just being an ass," Zim replied, tartly, as he crossed his arms. Dib chuckled, then sat down in his desk and leaned back. Zim eyed him, scowling. "If this is a scheme to capture me, HUMAN, then you're obviously losing your touch,"  
"No," Dib smirked. "It's a scheme to make sure no one else gets to you,"  
"No one else?" Zim repeated, confused. "Like who?"  
"You have to ask?" Dib arched an eyebrow. Zim blinked, then cringed.  
"... Oh," he grunted. He scowled at Dib. "What business is it of yours, anyway, HUMAN? Why should you care about the Keef human!?"  
"I don't care about him. I just want him to stay away from you," Dib replied. "And it IS my business. You're my alien. I discovered you, I fought you, and I'm going to capture you,"  
"Hah," Zim snorted. "As if a PATHETIC HUMAN could EVER capture ZIM,"  
"And why not?" Dib smirked. "This HUMAN planet has allready captured some aspects of you,"  
"... What are you talking about!?" Zim snarled.  
"For one... you used a human cussword," Dib chuckled.  
"... I did?" Zim blinked.  
"Yes. Our culture is weedling its way in to your life... eventually, you'll end up acting more like a human than a...," Dib faltered. "... a Zimmy... Zim... thing!"  
"NEVERRRRRRRRR!" Zim shrieked.  
"Face it, Zim," Dib snickered. "You're losing. You may as well give up now,"  
"Why would I, ZIM, do something as stupid as that!?" Zim hissed. "So you can gut me on an autopsy table?!"  
Dib blinked and regarded Zim, his eyes narrowing slightly.  
"... I did promise you a one way trip to the autopsy table," he admitted, thoughtfully. Zim scowled. "... but... I've come up with something even better,"  
"... Even better?" Zim blinked, confused. He yelped in surprise when Dib leaned close, smiling coyly.  
"I never did claim what is mine," he purred. Zim blinked, then let out a bewildered squeak when Dib grabbed his wrists and yanked him close. Zim winced, then squirmed and attempted to free his wrists from the human's tight grip.  
"Let go... DIB," Zim hissed, struggling.  
"No," Dib replied. Zim was about to snarl at Dib when he felt himself thrown backwards, out of his chair. Zim yelped when he hit the wall. He shook his head, momentarily dazed, before letting out a startled yelp as Dib hauled him to his feet and pinned him against the wall. Zim tensed, staring eye to eye with Dib.  
Dib chuckled darkly, then leaned closer.  
"What's this?" he mocked. "For once, you don't have anything to say?"  
"...," Zim stared. Dib chuckled and leaned closer, his glasses steaming up due to their breath. As he leaned closer, Zim felt a knot him his stomach form. He couldn't think or move; he had never felt so helpless before.  
Dib closed his eyes as he leaned closer and closer.  
Suddenly, a large crash broke the silence. Dib's eyes opened wide just as he felt a large object hit him upside the head. Dib yowled and grabbed his head, wincing in pain.  
That moment of distraction was all Zim needed to regain his senses and use his Irken survival techniques to the fullest extent.  
He ran like hell.  
Dib opened his eyes just in time to see Zim disappear out of the room. Dib scowled, rubbing his head painfully, and glanced down. He gave a start and stared at the book by his feet, which was no doubt the object that had hit him. He bent down and picked up the book, staring at the title. The cover displayed a picture of a voodoo doll impaled by a large spike as well as large, red words that read "Doom For Dummies: A Guide To Dooming Others".  
Dib stared at the book, then glanced over his shoulder to stare at the window. One of the glass panes was shattered. Dib scowled, then glanced back at the book.  
"...," 


	8. Delicious Brains and CocoaFangs

Warning: You asked... and ye shall receive! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm deliciously evil. Delicious and nutritious! The warning still stands that I will use any Zim couple I can think of. I'll add to the warning that OTHER couples with other characters WILL appear at random. Heh heh heh.  
  
  
Chapter Eight: Nutritious Brains and CocoaFangs  
  
  
  
Zim ran until his legs felt like they would collapse and his lungs quivered in pain. Even then, he continued to run down the hallway. He surged past students, who turned to stare after him in confusion, and rounded the corner.  
"No running in the halls!" one teacher barked. Zim distinctively ignored the teacher, darting past. His mind raced just as quickly as his legs, images of Dib and the impending doom that the human wished to wreck upon him.  
"He was going to suck my brains out of my mouth!" Zim hissed, his breath ragged. "ME! ZIM! He shall not have my nutritious braaaain!"  
With a terrified whimper, Zim charged through the front doors to the skool and zipped across the pavement.  
"HEY BUDDY!"  
Zim looked up, alarmed, to see Keef running after him with a bright smile on his face. Zim shrieked.  
"THE KEEF HUMAN WANTS MY NUTRITIOUS BRAIN AS WELL!" he cried. Zim gulped and soon found himself leaving the skoolgrounds, heading towards the houses.  
"WAIT UP, BUDDY!" Keef cried. "I want to cook you something special!"  
"NOOOOOOO!" Zim wailed. He continued to run, glancing back only once to see that Keef was catching up. Zim's lower lip quivered and, with a desperate cry, darted around the corner and lept in to an unlocked black van. He curled up at the foot of the seat, out of sight, and shivered uncontrollably. He waited, tensely.  
Keef darted by, still calling out Zim's name, as he ran. Zim waited a few moments, then timidly climbed up to peer out the window. When he realized that Keef was gone, he chuckled.  
"... Yessss," Zim grinned. "Victory is miine...,"  
"What are you doing in my van, funny green child?"  
Zim yelped as his alien heart nearly lodged itself in his throat, then turned to stare in horror. A tall adult human peered down at him, eyes shaded by thick classes. The human wore a long black trenchcoat, much like Dib's, and slicked back ebony hair. He held a cup of coffee in one hand and a large MacMeatie hamburger in the other.  
Zim's eyes widened instantly as he recognized the human to be the paranormal investigator that Dib had been assigned to many years ago during Career day.  
"YOU-!" Zim shrieked, scrambling back. He clutched his chest, defensively, and quivered. "MY GUTS-!"  
"You seem to know me...," the human muttered, then grinned. "You must be from the agency,"  
"U-Um," Zim stared.  
"Call me... BILL," the human said, getting in to the van and sitting down. Zim stared, then yelped when Bill locked the doors and stepped on the gas. "And you must be... GUTS,"  
"W-wha?" Zim whimpered.  
"Good," Bill grinned. "I was expecting you. We've finally have the Fang cornered in the warehouse by the docks... we'll be able to snag him once and for all,"  
Zim blinked slowly as he sat on the seat.  
"The Fang?" Zim repeated. "... Count CocoaFang, the cereal human man?"  
"Yes... the FANG... the most wanted cocoa vampire in the city...," Bill growled. "And I'll finally nab him... finally!"  
Zim stared in confusion as Bill chuckled, sinisterly, for a few minutes before letting out a dejected sigh.  
"Who am I kidding?" Bill muttered. "That's not the real reason I've been chasing him for so long... his demise isn't what I seek anymore! Years ago... I realized the truth...,"  
"The... truth?" Zim blinked. Bill nodded, then scowled deeply.  
"I realized that... I am... in love with the Fang,"  
"...," Zim stared, a weirded out look on his face.  
"I know what you're thinking!" Bill snarled. "I... a paranormal investigator! In love with... my arch nemesis! The creature I've devoted my life to capturing!"  
"Actually, I was thinking something else entirely," Zim muttered, though Bill did not seem to hear.  
"But don't you see...," Bill hissed. "He's... my entire world! And when we capture him... I'll pronounce my love... before I dissect him!"  
Zim's cheek twitched violently and he turned to stare out the window.  
"...,"  
  
-------------------------  
  
Purple sighed and reclined against his bed, blanket pulled up over his chest. He gingerly touched the randomly placed welts that bruised his green skin, then glanced across the bed at Red. Red grinned, widely, and puffed on a large space cigar.  
"Wooonderful," he purred.  
"You didn't have to whip so hard," Purple muttered.  
"Awww," Red crooned, rolling over towards Purple. "You didn't like it?" Purple turned his head and scowled in irritation as Red gently ran a claw along Purple's collarbone. Purple shivered at the sensation, then tightened his jaw and let out a mighty "HURRUMPH,"  
Red chuckled and leaned close, nipping Purple's neck.  
"I could make it up to you," he breathed. Purple shivered, then crossed his arms and deepened his scowl.  
"I'm not in the mood," he replied, tartly. Red looked at him, levelly, then smirked.  
"I can fix that," he promised. Purple turned to stare at Red in confusion, then yelped when he was forcefully pinned to the bed. Red's hold wasn't particularly painful, but used enough force to keep the other Tallest at bay.  
"But what about-," Purple began, staring.  
"It can wait," Red interjected. "Nothing in this universe is worth delaying this,"  
"What, might I ask, is this?" Purple growled, though he obviously didn't mean to sound aggressive.  
"... Seeing you writhe beneath me and moan my name," Red replied.  
"I don't MOAN," Purple hissed.  
"Oh yes you doooo,"  
"No I don't,"  
"Yesss you doooo...,"  
"I DO NOT,"  
"Yeeesss...,"  
"NO,"  
"YES...,"  
"NO-OOOOAAAH...,"  
"SEE?"  
"... You're very kinky,"  
"I know,"  
The two guards quivered, slightly, and turned to stare at each other once more. One began to twitch violently, then reached in to his uniform and pulled out a small medication bottle full of pills. He opened the bottle and dumped half the pills in his mouth, then swallowed. He offered the rest of the pills to his companion, who eagerly accepted them and downed the rest of the bottle.  
"Must... seek... transfer...," the first whimpered.  
"... or soundproof walls," the second agreed.  
  
---------------------  
  
Gaz calmly walked down the sidewalk, heading home from skool. Her eyes were glued to her Game Slave Advance, tapping away as she walked ever so calmly. She knew that Dib was still looking for Zim and suspected it was only a matter of time before Dib tried to confront her.  
She didn't particularly care either way.  
Her wrath was busy wrecking its merry havoc upon Dib; revenge was hers.  
A delightfully evil chuckle escaped Gaz as she walked. Once she felt Dib had been punished enough, she would deal with Keef. She enjoyed dooming others when they crossed her, especially Dib. However, she would never allow anyone else to doom Dib without her permission. He was her older brother, even if he was wierd. No one dooms her family without her permission or risk a dooming of their very own.  
And she was much more gentle on Dib than she was on strangers.  
Gaz continued her game when a group of teenagers ran by, chattering wildly.  
"Did you hear!? There's some huge confrontation down at the docks!"  
"The docks? Where?"  
"At the large Count CocoaFang warehouse,"  
Gaz walked on, totally disinterested.  
"What's happening?"  
"Some weirdo's attacking Count CocoaFang!"  
"WHAT!? But why!?"  
"I don't know... but the Count's holding some funny green kid hostage so that the freak won't stab him with a stake,"  
Gaz came to a sharp stop and glanced over her shoulder.  
"...,"  
"A stake?"  
"Yeah... the freak keeps screaming at him... it sounds like 'I LOVE YOU! But you're a vampire! I LOVE YOU!'... I think the guy missed his prozac dose this morning,"  
"No kidding,"  
"I feel bad for the green kid, though,"  
"Hey... a green kid... could it be that kid from our class? The really cute one?"  
"Zim?"  
"Yeah,"  
"It must be. I don't know of any other green kids,"  
Gaz scowled, her eyes narrowing, as the teenagers continued on their way. She turned off her Game Slave Advance and shoved it in her pocket. Then, she turned about and stroke menacingly in to the shadows. 


	9. The Dramatic Pause of DOOM

Warning: YESSSSSSSSSSS! I wrote more WZIIA! YAY! WHOO HOO! YES! ...Um... YES! Anyway... um. ... Almost Christmas! Which means the last part to the Christmas fic me and Yuki wrote is coming out on Monday! SO! ... Um... YES AGAIN! 

Don't mind me. I made Christmas fudge and then ate it. It was gooooooooooood. 

OH! GUESS WHAT! XD The fantastic Idgiebay send me... PICTURES! TWO OF THEM! One for this fic... and one for my Red/Purple fic! SEE? SEE? They inspired me to write even faster! XD NUMMY NUM NUM! (For those who steal pics: DO NOT STEAL THEM. There's no way you could possibly claim them to be yours. You suck.) 

http://rosewily.tripod.com/whosezim2-bb.JPG 

http://rosewily.tripod.com/redpurple-bb.JPG 

Chapter Nine: The Dramatic Pause of DOOM 

Zim whimpered, quietly, as he felt Count CocoaFang tighten his grip around the small Irken's neck. Zim dig his feet in to the wooden boards of the pier while watching Bill as he twirled the large stakes like daggers. 

"Sorry, kid," Count CocoaFang hissed. "But I'm sure you understand...," 

Zim nodded dully as he was dragged backwards. He felt the wooden boards creak under his feet as the Count slowly backed on to the pier, keeping the Irken between himself and Bill. 

Bill inched forward, his shades glittering in the sun. 

"It ends now, Fang," he hissed. "But... you must know that this hurts me twice as much as it'll hurt you," 

Count CocoaFang blinked repeatedly, then tightened his hold on Zim. 

"Crazy stinky stinkbeast," Zim grunted. He urked as he was yanked backwards once more and stumbled over a fish head. Count CocoaFang continued to back up until he was at the edge of the pier. Zim blinked and glanced back. 

He immediately paled. 

The river flowed under and around the pier, carrying thousands of gallons of water to destinations unknown. A hideous, terrible river filled with burning wet rainy water. 

Zim whimpered. 

"You're trapped! It's either the stake or the water, FANG!" Bill cried. "Come quietly and I'll make sure they treat you fairly until they slice you open!" 

Count CocoaFang stared at Bill once more. 

"...," 

Zim glanced between Bill and Count CocoaFang, shivering as the sound of the river filled his senses with dread. 

"..." 

"..." 

"..." 

"..." 

"..." 

"...Why are you two just staring at each other?" Zim inquired, shakily. 

"Shh! We're having a dramatic pause!" Bill hissed. Zim blinked but instantly silenced, allowing the silence to continue. 

"...," 

"...," 

"...," 

"...," 

"...," 

"... Is it over now?" Zim asked, suddenly. 

"Just a few minutes more," Bill replied. Zim blinked again, then sighed. 

"...," 

"...," 

"...," 

"...," 

"...," 

"... Okay, now we're done," Bill said. 

"Stupid humans," Zim grunted. Bill posed, dynamically, his coat fluttered in the wind. 

"Your day has finally come, Fang," Bill sighed, his shades glittering in the sun. "And... it is fitting that I should be the one to capture you," 

Bill let out a low, humorless chuckle before he crouched forward in to his battle stance. He smirked, dryly, as Count CocoaFang stared at him as if he were an idiot. 

It was then that everyone noticed that they were not alone. Amid the whistling wind and dynamic silence stood a single figure, who's mere presence sent the forces of nature in to a panic. 

Gaz. 

Zim tensed, eyes widening as he recognized her, and looked around to make sure that Dib was not with her. However, Bill seemed highly unconcerned with the fact that Gaz had appeared out of nowhere. 

"Beware, little girl," Bill muttered, coolly. "The Fang is tricky... stand back as I-," 

Gaz's cheek twitched violently. She slowly walked towards Bill, then kicked him lightly in the shin. The universe quivered as a slow reaction surged up Bill's body. His leg began to wobble, soon followed by his hips and his chest. His arms turned to limp noodles, flailing around desperately, as his eyes bugged out. 

With a scream, Bill collapsed to the ground in a shaking wad of agony. 

Zim and Count CocoaFang stared in shock as Gaz slowly turned to look at them. However, the force of her gaze proved too much for the wooden pier. The pier creaked, then shattered like brittle twigs. Zim and Count CocoaFang shrieked as they plummeted in to the gushing water. 

Bill slowly crawled over to the edge, his body still shivering like jello, and moaned piteously. 

"Oh Fang... Fang... you're gone... and I never got to tell you... to tell you...," Bill sobbed. 

Count CocoaFang stared up at Bill, his costume ruined and his makeup dripping down his face, as he stood in the shallow area of the river. 

Unfortunately, water was a monsterous issue for Irkens. 

Zim screamed and sputtered as he was dragged through the liquid acid, squirming and clawing for some way to escape the pain before there was nothing left of him. Seconds seemed to slowly ooze by as his skin bubbled and burned. Zim attempted to fight the current and get to shore but found such an action impossible as the pain made all movement unbearable. 

Zim had all but given himself up for dead when he felt a strong pair of arms grab him and yank him upwards. Zim sputtered violently as he was thrown on to dry land. He gurgled and spat up water, his skin sizzling. 

Weakly, Zim opened his eyes. He blinked repeatedly and choked, droplets of water slithering down his blistering skin. He shivered, then gasped as gentle hands wiped away the rest of the water and helped him to sit up. 

Zim turned his head, dazed, to see Gaz sitting beside him. The two of them were on the grassy shore by the river, which bubbled innocently nearby. She gently wiped away the water from his skin, ignoring the freaked out looks that he gave her. 

"Are you better?" she asked, her voice level. 

"... As well as can be expected for nearly melting in that disgusting river of... burny, wet, rain," Zim croaked, uncertain if he should be frightened of Gaz. 

"Good," Gaz grunted. Zim blinked, then squeaked in surprise as Gaz leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Just as quickly as the kiss occured, it ended. Gaz stood up, leaving Zim stupified on the ground, and smirked. 

"Tell Dib I beat him to it," she said. Then, with a sinister giggle, Gaz turned about and walked away. Zim stared in stunned silence as Gaz slowly disappeared from sight. 

The wind blew about him, causing the grass to ripple about him, as he sat in stupified silence. After a few minutes of utter blankness, Zim slowly got to his feet with a pained grunt. 

Zim turned and limped towards his house, his body shaking violently as every step brought forth tiny whimpers and whines. The trek home seemed to take ages as he slowly dragged himself down the street. Every inch of his body ached as he resisted the urge to simply curl up and call GIR to come fetch him. Calling GIR only made things worse, as GIR had taken the habit of flying around town and buying tacos before heading back to base. 

Zim was not in the mood for tacos. 

When Zim's freaky green house appeared in to view, relief flooded the tired and weakened Irken. He hobbled up the sidewalk, then slipped through the fence and headed for the door. 

Zim came to a stop and sighed, then slowly reached up to grab the doorknob. 

"ZIM," 

Zim came to a stop and glanced over his shoulder, dreading to see what might be there. Dib leaned against the fence, his arms crossed, as he smirked. 

"You missed skool today," Dib said, casually. 

"... I'm not in the mood, human," Zim grunted, using the door for balance as his body shook at the effort it took for him to remain upright. He looked at Dib, warily, as his hand slid down the door to grip the doorknob. "Just leave me alone," 

Dib looked at Zim, then tilted his head. 

"What nasty burns you have, Zim," Dib muttered. "You should take better care of yourself," 

Zim looked at Dib, blankly. Dib slowly stood up, then started to walk towards Zim. His eyes focused intently on Zim's bare arms, which looked blistered and sore. 

"They look really bad," Dib continued. "Did you fall in some water?" 

"... Something like that," Zim grunted. He blinked and inched away as Dib continued forward. 

"How careless of you," Dib muttered. 

"... Now wait a minute, you weren't there-!" Zim growled. 

"That's not what I was talking about," Dib smirked, suddenly. He reached out and grabbed Zim's wrists, yanking him forward. Zim gasped as the contact caused pain to lace up his arms. He shivered and bit his lower lip so he wouldn't cry out. "I meant now," Dib continued. "So careless," 

"... Let go...," Zim snarled, weakly, as his arms shook in pain and uncertainty. His eyes widened as Dib released one wrist only to snake it around Zim's bruised waist. 

"Does it hurt?" Dib asked. Zim scowled at him. Dib grinned as his hand slowly inched up Zim's back, gently touching whatever skin he could. 

"... LET... GO...," Zim growled, shaking visibly. Dib's hand came to a rest at the back of Zim's neck. Zim felt himself twitch violently as Dib's fingers gently massaged his neck. 

"It must hurt so much," Dib muttered. "... but I'll help," 

"Help?" Zim blinked, then let out a piercing shriek as he felt a surge of electricity burst through his body. Dib grinned as he held a taser, which he had been hiding in his sleeve, tightly against the base of Zim's neck. Zim arched his back in pain, then slumped forward when Dib cut off the taser. Zim panted, weakly, as his legs gave way. Dib held Zim, lightly, as the Irken felt his body go numb. 

Zim's eyes slowly closed as he heard Dib chuckle. 

"You're so very careless," 


	10. Will You Be My P.I.M.P. Daddy?

Warning: Well... I took a hint. ;P I knew I'd get mauled if I didn't... so I DID! Hehehe! OH! Idgiebay has done yet another wonderful masterpiece! XD 

http://rosewily.tripod.com/evildibby-bb.jpg 

NAME THAT SCENE! (And, as always, you suck if you steal. SO DON'T STEAL.) 

ALSO! I've decided that I'm going to do a review contest! I was torn between 150 and 200... as 150 is VERY CLOSE and 200 is kinda far away... so I chose a middleground. 175. I will, therefore, give the 175th reviewer a fanfic prize! I'm not a good artist, so... um... anyway. 

The prize is that if you are the 175th reviewer, I will do one of the following: 

I will write a chapter for the fic of your choice or I will write a completely new short fic of your favorite pairing. 

Sound good? 

Chapter Ten: Will You Be My P.I.M.P. Daddy? 

Purple snickered to himself as he sketched on a electronic sketch pad, using a rather fancy laser pen. He lounged on a couch in the Tallests' room, intent on his work. However, he couldn't help but occasionally glance at Red suspiciously as the other Tallest worked in the corner, cackling like a mad scientist, as he worked with tools out of sight. 

Purple sighed, then looked at his pad. 

"Say, Red...," he muttered. 

"Hmmmmmm?" Red blinked. 

"I have a wonderful idea," Purple grinned. 

"Hmmm," Red continued working. Purple took that as a sign that he was listening. 

"I want to upgrade Zim's stupid SIR unit with a chip I just designed that'll... prove both interesting and entertaining," Purple snickered. 

"Hmmmmhmmm?" Red continued to work, grabbing a bottle of what looked supiciously like chocolate syrup. Purple paused, in confusion, then looked at his pad. 

"I call it a Perversion Irken Manipulation Program," Purple announced, proudly. 

"... P.I.M.P?" Red stopped to look over his shoulder. Purple blinked, then blushed. 

"I guess it does come out to that, huh?" he admitted. "But it's very interesting! It'll manipulate the SIR's programming, making him-," 

"Act like a pimp?" Red finished. 

"... Yes. How did you know?" Purple stared. 

"The name gave me a clue," Red chuckled. 

"... Oh," Purple blushed. "Anyway... the result would be random, unfortunately. That's pretty much to be expected, given what the SIR's made out of... but he will, sometimes, turn in to a pimp... while the other times, he'll either act normal or very...," Purple faltered. 

"... Very EXCITED?" Red grinned. 

"... Yes," Purple blushed. He blinked when he saw Red grab a jar of sprinkles. "What are you DOING?" 

"... Making dessert," Red smirked. 

"Dessert?" Purple stared. "With chocolate syrup and sprinkles? Is it ice cream?" 

Red turned to grin, very widely, at Purple as he displayed an Irken blender of chocolate syrup, caramel, and sprinkles. 

"I don't plan on putting it on ice cream," he purred. 

"... Then where?" Purple squeaked. 

He had a feeling he didn't want to know. 

"Oh... somewhere delicious," Red's grin increased ahundred fold. 

"What's that?" Purple inquired, weakly, as Red began to stalk towards him with slow, deliberate steps. 

"Not what... who," 

Now Purple was sure he didn't want to know. 

The two guards stared, blankly, at the wall as a struggle soon ensued within the room they were guarding. Slowly, the Irkens glanced at eachother. After a few moments, the two immediately broke down sobbing. 

--------------- 

Zim awoke with a choked gasp. His eyes opened and darted around as a sense of panic took hold of him, early on. 

He remembered what Dib had done and was terrified to see what the human had planned for him while he was unconscious. 

Zim was beyond surprised to find himself alive and well. However, he was horrified to find himself strapped to a large heart-shaped bed with large bits of leather. He was in a rather bizarre hotel room, where all of the furniture was either pink or red and covered with hearts. Most of the room was carpeted with fuzzy pink carpet, while the far corner was bricked with white tiles containing pink heart prints. A large heart-shaped jacuzzi sat in said corner of the room, causing Zim to shiver. 

Zim did not realize that water was the least of his concerns until he heard a deep chuckle. Zim looked around, wildly, to see Dib standing in the doorway. 

Dib grinned, hands in his pockets, and calmly strode in to the room. 

"I see you're awake, ZIM," Dib purred, glasses glittering with a menacing light. 

"... What have you done, human!?" Zim shrieked. 

"Nothing!" Dib blinked, innocently, before a very sadistic smile crept across his face. "Yet," 

"... What do you mean?' Zim stared, then struggled violently. "RELEASE ME! NOW! Or suffer the wrath of Zim!" 

"Oh?" Dib tilted his head. "What do you intend to do, ZIM, if I refuse?" 

"... Horrible things too vile to speak!" Zim retorted. 

"Like?" Dib chuckled. 

"...," Zim paused. 

"... You have NO CLUE what you'll do, do you?" Dib cackled as he walked towards the bed. Zim squeaked and tried to scramble back, only to find himself totally immobile. Dib's grin increased as he ran a finger up Zim's side, watching the Irken shiver. "You've been holding out on me... but that stops now," 

"... What do you mean, meatbag...?" Zim whispered, uneasily. 

"My sister's been dooming me... keeping me from you," Dib replied. "She can't doom me now, though. I'm out of her territory," 

"...," Zim stared. 

"So... nothing can stop me now," Dib smirked. "NOTHING can stop me from taking what's mine," 

"... HAVE YOU THE-," 

"Brainworms?" Dib interrupted. Zim stared. "No, I don't. And you need a new line," 

With that, Dib grabbed Zim's face and kissed him forcefully. Zim's eyes doubled as his breathing grew erratic. His body twitched as Dib slid his hands down from Zim's face to his chest. Dib's fingers gently massaged Zim's shoulders and chest while they worked their way down. 

When Zim regained his senses enough to try and bite Dib, it was too late. The human had released his mouth and was nipping at his chin and throat, right where the jugular would be if Zim had been human. Zim did, in fact, have a jugular but it wasn't like the human one. The Irken jugular was both his throat organ and a transport organ for the electric current that surged through his body to his antenni and backpack. Therefore, it was highly sensitive. 

Zim whimpered, piteously, as he felt every scrape of Dib's teeth against his tender throat. He wasn't sure if Dib was simply teasing or fully intended to bite him. 

However, Zim's musings about his throat were quickly forgotten when Dib's hands came to a stop on his stomach. A muffled yelp escaped Zim as Dib's fingers stopped at his pants and hooked over the waistband. 

"No...," Zim whispered, weakly. "No human goes there! That's INVADER PROPERTY!" Zim paused, then blushed and scowled. "THIS INVADER'S PROPERTY!" he amended. 

"Mnn?" Dib grinned at Zim, glasses sparkling like mirrors. "Well, it's this human's property too," 

With that, Dib's hands slid under the waistbands and... 

"HEY BUDDY!" 

Dib's eyes widened in surprise as Zim went totally still, disbelieving. The two slowly looked up to see Keef standing in the doorway, smiling brightly while carrying a tray of waffles. 

"I made waffles!" Keef announced, proudly. "And they're in the shape of your funny green head!" 

The two continued to stare as Keef walked over to the bed and put down the try by Zim's face. 

"HEY! That looks fun! Can I join?" Keef grinned. 

"... NO!" Dib snapped. 

"EEEEEEYAAAAH!" Zim wailed at the very thought. 

"Awww, it'll be fun!" Keef cackled. "I'm really good at this!" 

Zim's lower lip trembled as Dib looked about ready to kill. 

However, he wasn't the only one. 

A rat-tat-tat came from the window. Dib, Zim, and Keef looked over to see a squirrel sitting on the windowsill. The squirrel looked particularly angry, fur bristled and shoulders hunched while its bushy tail waved back and forth. 

Seconds of silence passed and a second squirrel joined the first. Then a third, fourth, and fifth squirrel. Soon, hundreds of angry squirrels glared through the panes in to the room. 

Dib blinked repeatedly, then turned to fix Keef with a gaze. 

"You've been molesting squirrels again, haven't you," Dib growled. 

"They all look like Zim!" Keef positively beamed. Zim's expression turned freaked as Dib's cheek twitched. 

At that moment, the glass shattered and the squirrels flooded in to the room. In a fit of rage, the squirrels attacked together like a giant tsunami of biting furr. Keef squealed as he was completely buried under biting, clawing squirrels. 

Dib's eyes widened drastically as he scrambled away, horrified at how brutal such innocent creatures could turn if pushed too far. 

"EEE! THE BITING! THE HURTING! THE-Hey! This one looks like Zim! WHEE! TOUCH TOUCH!" 

"SQUEAAAK!?!" 

Dib paused, then shook his head and glanced at the bed. His eyes widened instantly as he noticed Zim was missing; the alien had chewed through the leather straps while the squirrels got their revenge. 

Dib glanced around quickly, then stared at the window. He saw a tiny bit of red cloth with the very same design as Zim's invader outfit, which he had taken to wearing once more. The cloth fluttered lightly, snagged by a piece of glass. Dib approached the window, ignoring Keef's screams of enjoyment and pain, and grabbed the cloth. He fingered it, then smirked slightly. 

"Closer and closer," he growled. "You can't keep escaping, Zim... I'm going to succeed and not even squirrel molesters or GAZ will stop me when the time comes," 


	11. A Challenge to Topping Them All

Warning: YES! I wrote more! Bwahahaahahahahaha! And we're nearing 175! It's very possible we might reach that quota this time! 

The 175th Reviewer gets to chose one of the following: a chapter for any fic or for me to write a totally new short story with a pair of their choosing. ... Except Bitters. I think the mere thought would kill me. o.o If the 175th person is a flamer (which is unlikely but, anyway), I'll look to the 176th reviewer. The lucky winner can email me their request at neontigress@yahoo.com or in the review itself! Your choice! 

Now... you'll be warned. This chapter... is insane. It's just plain insane. But then, I am insane, aren't I? Hehehehe. XD But be warned... someone else has some fun this time. ;P 

Chapter Eleven: A Challenge to Topping Them All 

"Auuuughh...," 

"Serves you right," 

Red moaned as he laid on his back, his robes open from the neck to his waist. He moaned, chocolate covering his mouth and claws, as a big goofy grin crossed his face. 

"Heh, suppose so," he purred, thickly. He lifted one of his claws to his mouth and licked at it, tasting the chocolate that covered it. "But, damn, it was worth it," 

"... You get sick from eating too much sweets and think it's worth it?" Purple eyed him, exhausted. He crossed his arms over his chest, which was covered with chocolate and caramel smeers. He blinked and flicked off a pink sprinkle, which bounced off of Red's head and landed on the bed. 

"No, getting sick isn't...," Red amended. He looked at Purple, a mischevious grin on his face. "... but the way I got it was!" 

Purple squeaked as Red pounced on him, pinning him to the bed.. However, the action aggrivated his aching Irken stomache. With a pained squeak, Red collapsed on to Purple and moaned. 

Purple blinked repeatedly, then sighed. 

"... Maybe you should try a different brand next time," he muttered, absently. Red tensed and looked up at him, grinning. 

"You mean you'll let there BE a next time?" he asked. Purple blinked, then blushed as he realized what he had just said. 

"Um... well...," 

"Yessssss," Red purred. He leaned up and licked Purple's cheek, who shivered. "I'll add honey to my dessert next time," 

Purple blushed even brighter. 

"... you're a pervert," 

"I know," 

Outside of the room, the two guards shivered uncontrollably and shook their heads in disbelief. 

"Unbelievable...," the first muttered. "They do... THAT... more than anything else!" 

"I believe that being kinky has quickly become their favorite past time, by far overlapping eating...," 

"Or blowing things up...," 

"Or fighting...," 

"Or throwing us shorter individuals down the trash chutes," 

The guards cringed, then sighed. A moment of silence came as the two stood, taking comfort in the fact that the other was just as miserable and tortured as they were. A small squeak issued from the Tallests' room, followed by a very evil purr. The two guards looked at each other once more. 

"... They're doing it again?" 

"Totally unbelievable," 

The guards sighed once more, then blinked and grinned evilly at one another. 

"... Though, of course, I wouldn't mind seeing Tallest Purple naked," 

"Heh heh heh," 

-------------------- 

Zim darted down the street, dodging humans as he scrambled to find his way back to the base. He twisted and turned down the streets in a panic, his body begging for a break but his hysteria refused to allow such a thing. Unfortuntely, Dib had chosen a hotel at the far side of the city. Such a fact meant that Zim had absolutely no idea where he was and was forced to simply scramble about with hopes of finding something he recognized. 

Much to Zim's chargin, what he found was someone he wasn't too pleased to see. 

As Zim rounded the bend, he found himself running face first in to a long, slender figure in an eerie black dress. Zim fell on his back and whimpered, then glanced up and stared in shock. 

Ms. Bitters peered down at Zim, her face in a twisted snarl. However, when she realized who it was, she seemed to almost... 

... Grin. 

Zim shivered in sheer terror. 

"Why hello Zim," Ms. Bitters hissed, arching her back as her claw-like fingers wiggled. "You look... lost," 

"Uh... Zim... does not get lost!" Zim whispered, slowly backing away. He yelped when Ms. Bitters hunched over and grabbed his claw, dragging him to his feet. Zim whimpered at the feel of Ms. Bitters' cold, clammy hand as it squeezed his own tightly. 

"You poor doomed boy," Ms. Bitters growled. Zim slipped his claw free and scrambled back. He rubbed his claw, as if it burned, and looked at the teacher warily. He glanced about, then paled. 

He was outside of the highskool. 

Zim's eyes lit up with sheer joy; for once, his Irken tracking skills had not failed him! The Irken was so delighted that he hugged himself and cackled, insanely. 

Ms. Bitters raised an eyebrow, curiously, and then slithered closer. A soft hiss issued forth, alerting Zim to the teacher's movements. Zim looked up and stared at Ms. Bitters, who sneered at him. 

As the teacher drew closer and closer, Zim felt an uncontrollable urge to run. Something about the teacher bothered him; there was a look in her hideous demon eyes that made every Irken instinct scream in horror. 

When Ms. Bitters was no more than a few inches away, Zim gave in to his instincts. He ran, screaming like a little skoolgirl being chased by a dirty old man with a camera. 

Zim ran down the streets, now familiar to him, as he screamed. People stopped and turned to look at him, some confused while others mildly disturbed. Zim was oblivious as he charged down the sidewalk, his body wanting air but continuing its screams. 

The Irken screamed for a good ten minutes before he stopped, gulped for breath, then continued screaming. After another ten minutes, the Irken was still screaming as he rounded the corner and charged through his fence to his front door. 

When he arrived at his front door, Zim leaned against it and let out a pained sigh. He massaged his temples and muttered. 

However, he couldn't sake the feeling that something was wrong. 

Zim blinked, then glanced about. His eyes widened when he saw a box, surrounded by meteor fragments, with its lid torn off. Zim inched closer and peered at the side, then blinked again. 

"A package? From my Tallest?" he muttered. He looked inside the box, then sighed. "Empty... GIR must have done something," he growled. With another sigh, Zim straightened himself up and turned to the front door. He scowled as he opened it, preparing to scream at GIR with all the air that remained in his body. 

The house was deadly silent. 

Zim stared, thoroughly taken back. Cautiously, he slipped inside and glanced around. The room was perfectly clean and, more importantly, devoid of GIR. Such a fact terrified Zim far worse than Ms. Bitters did. 

Zim gulped and turned about, peeking outside to see if he could see his SIR unit. When he saw no sign of GIR, Zim stepped back and closed the door. 

"Computor! Run a scan for any intrud-," 

"What you doin', bitch!?" 

Zim blinked and snapped his head about to stare. 

GIR scowled at Zim, his eyes glowing with a brilliant pink. He wore a large, fuzzy pink sweater and skin-tight bellbottom pants, green in color with neon pink dots. A gold necklace hung around his robotic neck, complete with an amulet that looked oddly like a squeaky moose head, and white gloves hid his metallic hands from sight. A large white fadora rested on his head, complete with a humongous peacock feather, and high heeled fuzzy slippers in the shape of pink pigs covered his feet. 

"GIR...?" Zim blinked. "... What is this nonsense!?" 

"That what I's askin', BITCH!" GIR growled. 

"... What is this... 'bitch'?" Zim stared, confused. 

"Don't be playin' wit' me, skank!" GIR hissed, waving a tiny gloved fist at Zim. "You betta not be shakin' yo' bootie for someone else!" 

"... Shaking... bootie...?" Zim looked thoroughly flabbergasted. He yowled and scrambled back when GIR lunged at him, trying to grab him. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" 

"You'z my bitch!" GIR purred. "If anyone be seein' yo' bootie, it's ME!" 

"NO!" Zim shrieked, leaping away and landing on the couch. "I shall show NO ONE my... 'bootie'!" 

"Awww, baby, don't be like that!" GIR crooned. 

"THE MIGHTY ZIM IS NO ONE'S BABY!" Zim roared, then yelped as GIR pounced on him. Zim struggled as GIR's robotic hands pawed at him. When GIR's hands touched a certain lower area, Zim screamed and kicked GIR in the face. GIR fumbled back, then shook his head. 

"Aw, baby, why's you always gotta be makin' me hit you?" GIR snarled. Zim opened his mouth to speak, then yelped when GIR slapped him across the face. Zim grapped his cheek and stared, outright bewildered, at GIR. 

Zim was even more bewildered when GIR's head suddenly tilted, sparking violently. His eyes flashed pink, then returned to their normal color. He blinked repeatedly, then grinned cutely. 

"I'm going to hug you now!" GIR announced, then lunged and glomped on to Zim's leg. Zim squeaked and shook his leg, trying to shake off GIR. 

"LET GO OF ME THIS INSTANCE!" Zim roared. "You're malfunctioning! I'm going to have to run a diagnostic-," Zim paused, then stared at GIR. 

"HUUUUG!" GIR crowed. 

"... That's not hugging...," Zim looked slightly freaked out. 

"I know," 

"...," Zim's eyes widened, then he shrieked in alarm and began to flail his leg, hysterical. "LET GO! LET GO! LET GO!" Zim roared as GIR moved in a definite manner that was not a hug. 

"I love Master!" GIR purred. 

"Let go! I command you!" 

"I love Master! I'm LOVING Master!" 

"I SAID LET GO! IMMEDIATELY! NOW!" 

"WHEE-!" 

"NOOOOOO-!" 

Outside, one of the neighbors looked up from watering her garden. She blinked as Zim hopped about just inside the window, GIR clamped on to his leg and moving quite oddly. The woman blinked even more, then felt her forehead. After she was certain she wasn't experiencing a fever, she shook her head and continued to water her garden. 

----------------------- 

Gaz looked up sharply as Dib walked in through the front door, humming happily. 

"... You certainly seem happy," Gaz's eyes narrowed, her hands tightening around her Game Slave. 

"I guess that's because I am!" Dib grinned at her. "I got to kiss Zim," 

Gaz's cheek quirked in to a vicious smile. 

"I did, too," she said. "First," 

Dib blinked, then scowled at her. Gaz grinned, then returned to her game. 

"It doesn't matter," Dib growled. "Even if you did get to kiss him first... that'll be a hallow victory when I win the war!" 

"Oh?" Gaz opened an eye and peered at Dib. "You think you can beat me?" 

"I know I can," Dib hissed. "I know Zim better than anyone! You can't possibly beat me to him!" 

"Sounds like a challenge to me," Gaz opened her other eye and fixed Dib with a piercing glare. "And I accept it," 

Dib faultered, then snarled and crossed his arms. 

"Fine then!" Dib snorted. "First one to capture Zim... and KEEPS HIM... wins!" 

"Heh," Gaz grinned. "I don't even need to doom you. You're doing that yourself," 

"We'll see, Gaz," Dib smirked. "I assure you, I won't lose," 

Gaz chuckled evilly and glanced at her brother, then returned to her game. 

"Neither will I," 


	12. Radioactive Pimping Polls

Warning: Well... it's about time, I guess... I've been working on the kiriban (so much for short... I never do anything short! BAAAAAAAH!) and Conquer Me... but I figured I'd add more to this. ;P Heh heh. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! 

ANYWAY! InvaderMuffin has sent me the most SPECTACULAR PICTURES! XD ... but I forgot to ask for permission to post the URLS. So I'm doing that now! 

CAN I!? CAN I!? For the next chapter I write!? PLEAAAASE!!?! 

XD 

Chapter Twelve: Radioactive Pimping Polls 

"All systems are go!" 

"The ambassador from Switzerlandia-," 

"Engine room, how goes the modifications?" 

"Today in the mess hall, we're serving nachos, curlie fries-," 

"All your base are belong to us!" 

"Who put a tack in my chair?!" 

"Attention, staff... report immediately to docking bay 8 to clean up invader puke," 

"MOVE EVERY ZIG!" 

Purple sighed, happily, as he reclined in his Tallest Chair on the bridge of the Massive. Red sat beside him, sucking on a long straw in his drink while displaying all the signs of an utterly bored Irken. The shorter Irkens scrambled about, performing their duties as was expected of them. 

Everything was at peace. 

Purple blinked, suddenly, when he felt Red's claw slowly sliding up his leg. With a blush and a hiss, Purple smacked away the offensive claw and glared. Red shrugged helplessly, smirking as he continued to slurp at his drink. 

"SIR!" 

Purple blanched and turned to stare as a small Irken turned to look at him. 

"W-what?" he asked, weakly. 

"An incoming transmission!" the Irken replied. 

"From who?" Red asked, arching an invisible eyebrow. "... Zim?" he added, hopefully, as a perverted look crossed his face. 

"No, my Tallest! The Daily Planetia!" the Irken replied. 

"... Huh?" Red blinked. "THEM? What do they want!?" 

"Maybe an interview?" Purple tilted his head. "They are the largest Irken news organization...," 

"Bah," Red snorted. "I don't care about 'public relations'," 

"I know," Purple muttered, tenderly. Red glanced at him, then looked at the Irken. 

"Patch them in," 

"SIR!" 

A blip crossed the screen and suddenly the image of an Irken with suspicious, narrowed red eyes blinked in to view. A large logo of the Daily Planetia, a twirling planet overlapping an Irken symbol, appeared in the top corner. Her eyes darted about, as if absorbing in her surroundings, then grinned. 

"My Tallest!" she greeted. 

"What do you want?" Red growled. 

"I've come to announce the results of our poll," the Irken replied, calmly. 

"... Poll?" Purple blinked. 

"WHY YES!" the Irken smiled brightly. "We did an empire-wide poll in regards to the possibility of a Tallest love affair," 

Purple's eyes widened as his jaw dropped. Red simply blinked. 

"And?" Red asked, curiously, as Purple stammered. 

"Nintey-eight percent of the Irkens think that you two should, in fact, become a couple. One percent felt that work should come before pleasure but admit that they have, at one time, desired to see Purple naked," the Irken replied. She glanced at her reports and scowled. "... And another one percent asked if we were giving away free nachos," 

"W-WHAT!?" Purple shrieked. 

"Really?" Red blinked. "Nintey-eight percent of our empire wants me to jump Purple?" 

"Yes," the Irken replied. 

"NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" Purple bellowed. 

"OKAY!" 

"... whuh?" Purple blinked to stare at Red. 

"Sounds fun!" Red beamed, then lunged at Purple. Purple squeaked as Red grabbed his belt and started to rip up, trying to remove the entire top portion of his uniform. 

"N-no!" Purple yowled, grabbing his belt and pulling downwards in an attempt to keep his shirt on. His other claw tried to push Red away, who loomed far too close for comfort. "No! In front of-!? NO!" 

"Aw, come on!" Red purred. "It'll be interesting!" 

"NO NO NO!" 

The two guards stood outside of the bridge, heads quirked to listen. 

"They're at it again," the first guard sighed. 

"Have I ever said how horny they are?" the second inquired. 

"Repeatedly," the first replied. 

"... Well, it's still true," 

The two guards sighed and leaned against the wall. A high-pitched squeal signaled the victory of Red over the situation of the shirt, soon followed by a large shredding noise. 

"... very horny," the second repeated. 

The two guards nodded and returned to sitting quietly. After a few moments of silence, the two guards peered at each other. They blinked, then quickly looked away with a sheepish expression. 

Suddenly, romantic music began to echo through the halls. The guards blinked and slowly glanced at each other as the music slowly increased in volume. 

The guard's eyes locked as the music all but blared through the halls. 

The first guard blinked, then blushed lightly. A tender slowly crossed the second guard's face as he started to move closer to the first. The space between them decreased as they slowly slipped in to a tender embrace and gazed, lovingly, in to each other's eyes. 

"I...," the first whispered. 

"Shhh... I know... I feel it too...," the second replied. He slowly leaned towards the first guard, moving in as the music blared. 

Just as they were about to kiss, the doors swung open and Purple plowed through them. He ran, clutching his tattered garbs to his chest, as he darted down the hallway. Red charged after, hot on his heels and grinning wickedly. 

"AW! Come oooooon!" Red called. "Don't be like thiiis!" 

"NOOOO!" Purple squealed as he disappeared around the corner. 

"I'm going to CATCH YOOOU!" 

"LIKE IRK YOU ARE!" 

"Heh heh heh...," 

"EEEEEEK!" 

The two guards winced and fumbled up, pained and disoriented. They looked at eachother, wearily. 

"... Ow...," 

---------------------------------- 

"BEHOLD!" Professor Membrane posed dynamically as he held out a piece of burnt toast for all to see. "I HAVE MADE... TOAST!" 

"That's great, dad," Dib muttered, leaning against the table. "But isn't that enough?" 

"Hoh hoh hoh!" Professor Membrane chuckled. "Indeed not! One can never have too much toast!" 

"... I'd think forty two pieces of toast is too much," Dib observed. 

"The toast's radioactive," Gaz added as she played on her Game Slave. "It's glowing and I think one of them has eyes," 

"Hoh hoh hoh!" Professor Membrane cackled again. "Don't worry! There's more where that came from!" 

"Yum," Gaz grunted. 

Professor Membrane, oblivious to sarcasm, continued to create more mutant toast as his children sat at the table. Dib idly poked a piece of toast with a fork as Gaz continued to play on her Game Slave. 

"Another breakfast and nothing to eat," Dib grunted. "And people wonder why I'm so desperate as to eat cafeteria food," 

"I'll bring you something back from Zim's house," Gaz smirked. Dib's eyebrows arched and he fixed Gaz with a glare. 

"... You're not going to Zim's house," Dib growled. 

"I am," Gaz replied. 

"He's my alien!" Dib hissed. 

"We've been through this," 

"HE IS!" Dib barked, slamming his fist on the table. Unfortunately, his fist accidentally hit his fork. The toast, impaled on the end, went flying through the air and hit Gaz on the top of her head. 

Silence reigned as neither moved, Dib's eyes wide with shock and Gaz abnormally calm. Slowly, Gaz paused her Game Slave and put it down. Then, she opened her eyes and gazed at Dib. 

Dib felt his blood go cold. 

Slowly, Gaz grabbed another piece of toast and threw it at Dib. The toast hit with the same strength as a brick, sending Dib sprawling. Dib moaned and adjusted his glasses. 

And he counterattacked. 

He grabbed the toast Gaz had thrown at him and returned it, forcefully. Gaz barely flinched as the charred bread bounced against her face. The two siblings stood, glare to glare, as their father hummed. 

Instantly, the room was filled with chaos as the two threw toast at eachother with amazing speed and viciousness. Tray pieces bounced off the wall or landed on the floor as others hit Professor Membrane in the back of the head, who didn't even realize he had been struck. 

After many minutes of pure anarchy, Gaz and Dib both collapsed with pants as toast covered the floor like broken, tattered soldiers in a war they had no choice but to fight. The siblings glared at each other... 

... And noticed they were glowing a brilliant green. 

"AH-!?" Dib gasped, staring at his hands. 

"Nice going, Dib," Gaz growled. "You contaminated us!" 

"Tut tut!" Professor Membrane towered over them, holding a tray of toast. "Looks like you're both radioactive!" 

"Wh-what!?" Dib squealed. 

"Don't worry!" Professor Membrane crowed. "I have the perfect decontaminator!" 

"... You do?" Dib asked, weakly, as Gaz stood up and dusted herself off. 

"INDEED!" Professor Membrane beamed. "And I have all the tools right here!" 

"... You have tools to deal with radioactive contamination in our kitchen?" 

"Why, yes! All I need is some Mr. Clean, a spoon, and a very angry porcupine!" 

--------------------------------- 

"GIR!" Zim bellowed as he stormed in to the living room, wearing nothing save a red loincloth and a black leather collar with matching leash. "WHERE ARE ALL OF MY UNIFORMS?!" 

"Don't be talkin' ta me like dat, bitch!" GIR growled as he reclined on the couch, holding what looked suspiciously like a glass of wine and a cigar. "I jes' replaced alla ya shit wit' some fancy bitch shit!" 

"... So where are my uniforms?" Zim repeated, cheek twitching. 

"Gone, bitch!" GIR laughed, then puffed on his cigar. "Now go git ready, ya hear?!" 

"... Ready!?" Zim stared at GIR in confusion. "Ready for WHAT!?" he demanded, cheek twitching. 

"Ya customahs, bitch," GIR replied, sighing at Zim's "stupidity". 

"... WHAAAAAAT!?" Zim shrieked. 

"Dey gonna be here any minute. Paid in advance," GIR replied. "Be a good bitch 'n don't you dare cause no trouble!" 

"... Now wait just a minute! This has gone on long enough!" Zim growled. "AND I, ZIM, SHALL-!" 

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Zim blinked, in mid-rant, as GIR leapt off of the couch and scurried towards the door. The cigar smoke followed behind him, leaving a trail of foul smelling, cancer inducing mist. 

"Where are you going!?" Zim shrieked. "I'm not done screaming at you!" 

"I'z getting da door, bitch!" GIR scoffed, then flung it open. His eyes suddenly went blank and he titled his head. "I looooooooooove yoooou...," he purred. Zim quivered with rage and darted towards the door, fists clenched. 

"GIR, WHAT HAVE YOU-," 

"We here for little green man," 

"Yah, what he said!" 

"-done?" Zim came to a stop and stared upwards, eyes widening like a deer in headlights. 

"We go now, yah?" 

Zim blinked repeatedly, uncomprehending. 

"...," he stared. Shadows towered over him as two figures popped in to view and seemed to descend upon him, like vultures. 

"We have LOT of fuuun...," 

Zim blinked once, twice, and then screamed. 


	13. Someone Shoot That SIR!

Warning: YES! There is more! So don't kill me! ;_; 

But this first!  
Go here... 

http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/Archive.pl?ANO=5125 

AND HERE! 

http://www.side7.com/cgi-bin/S7SDB/Archive.pl?ANO=488 

Both Idgie and Cammi have drawn many wonderful piccies! It'd probably take an entire page if I posted every single URL... and I KNOW you're eager to read. XD ... or maybe not. But, anyway... go see great piccies! YOU MUST WORSHIP THEM... for I certainly do! 

Chapter Thirteen: Someone Shoot That SIR! 

"Ohhh Purple," Red crooned as he walked in to their room, a bottle of wine from one of the subjugated planets in one claw and two wine goblets in the other. "Where aaare you?" 

"Humph," Purple huffed, reclining in his bed as he looked through some papers. 

"Aw, are you sulking? Why now?" Red sighed. 

"I'm not sulking," Purple grumbled. 

"Yes you are," Red informed him. "You've got the pouty lip," 

"...," 

"So why are you sulking?" Red asked. 

"...," 

"Well?" 

"You were looking at the photos again," Purple growled, accusingly. 

"... So?" Red quirked an invisible eyebrow. His eyes widened when Purple fixed him with a venomous gaze. He blinked, then tilted his head. "... Are you jealous?" 

"Jealous!?" Purple hissed, breathlessly. "Jealous of what!? A failure of an Invader!?" 

"... You ARE jealous!" Red stared at Purple. 

"...," Purple glared at Red again, then snorted and crossed his arms. He glanced away, scowling disdainfully. "Hardly," 

"I don't see what the big deal is," Red shrugged as he walked over to the bed, putting down the goblets and wine down on the nightstand. "YOU look, after all," he glanced at Purple, meaningfully. 

"... Not recently! I haven't looked at the photos of Zim since we started getting...," Purple tapped his claws together, blushing. "... SERIOUS...," 

"Serious?" Red blinked. "We're serious? Since when?" 

"... That's it, no nookie for you," 

"WHAT?!" Red yelped. "NO FAIR!" 

"FAIR," Purple growled. "It's my body and I'll decide who I give nookie to!" 

"... because of some photos?" Red whined. 

"... It's not the photos!" Purple roared. He glared at Red, eyes shimmering. "... Aren't I enough...?" 

"... Enough?" Red blinked. 

"... To satisfy you?" Purple glanced down, miserably. "Am I really so...?" 

"Stop right there," Red pressed a claw against Purple's lips. "Zim might be cute... and developing well... but there's no comparison," 

"Really?" Purple blinked up at Red. 

"Absolutely," Red beamed. "He's cute and all... but he just doesn't have your sexiness," 

"You mean it...?" Purple blushed. 

"Of course," Red leaned close. "Sure, it's fun dressing him up... but you look a lot better in the outfits," 

"... They're very uncomfortable," Purple admitted. 

"But it makes me reaaaaally hungry...," Red purred. "For something... PURPLE...," he added. Purple looked at Red, thoughtfully. A slow grin creeped across his face as he leaned back against the bed, casually. 

"... Okay, you can have nookie," 

"WHOOHOO!" 

-------------------------- 

"Aren't you supposed to be in skool?" 

"Aren't you?" 

Dib and Gaz walked, side by side, down the sidewalk. Gaz fiddled with her Gameslave while Dib hugged his coat close to his body. They both had a particularly stiff walk and reeked of irritation. Neither glanced at the other, obviously irritated by the morning's experience. 

Radioactive decontamination hurt a lot. 

"You don't have to follow me," Dib growled. Gaz snorted and continued playing, not even dignifying him with a response. Dib sighed and continued walking, sensing that talk would not help him. 

The two continued walking down the sidewalk, obviously heading towards Zim's rather disturbing green house. From their position on the road, the house looked disturbingly quiet. Oddly enough, all of the lawn gnomes were dressed like pimps. Each one wore a bright green vest with a large peacock feather crammed in to their little gnome hats. It was strange, but given that it was Zim's house, no one was very surprised. 

As the two humans arrived at the gate to Zim's house, they were greeted by the sound of rap thundering from inside the house. Many of the words were garbled, but the ones that the humans could make out were words that many vulgar sailors were not allowed to say. 

"... What's going on?" Dib blinked. He glanced at the gnomes, warily, before proceeding towards the door. Gaz simply followed, fingers typing away at her gaming system. Dib raised his hand to knock on the door. 

Before he could finish, the door swung open to reveal GIR. GIR glowered up at Dib, who stared down in alarm. 

"Whatchoo be wantin', bitch?" he growled. He turned to look at Gaz, then smirked. "You'z got me a new ho?" 

Gaz's left eye suddenly popped open as a vein twitched. Without a word, she whirled and kicked GIR in the head. GIR went rolling, before coming to a stop in the middle of the floor. GIR blinked repeatedly, then waved his arms. 

"WEE!" he squealed. 

"Where's Zim?" Gaz muttered as she stormed inside, followed closely by Dib. 

"I luv yooouuu," GIR purred. 

"WHERE... IS ZIM?" Gaz repeated, her eye opening slowly to glare at GIR. GIR paused, then tilted his head before lunging to grab Dib's leg. 

"I LUVIN' YOU!" GIR sang before proceeding to move in a very bizarre fashion. Dib paused, then started screaming. Gaz closed her eyes once more as Dib hopped around, shrieking and shaking his leg. 

"... No help...," she grunted. "We'll have to look around. Ask people," 

"GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" Dib yowled. Gaz ignored Dib's cries and headed straight for the door, dragging her brother by the collar of his coat. 

GIR cackled as he held on to Dib's leg, still moving. 

"I... LUVIN'... YOOOOOUUUUU!" 

"Where...," Dib viciously shook his leg as he was dragged. "Where... are we going? Who's our prime suspect...? Other than Zim, that is...," 

Gaz paused, then turned to fix Dib with a gaze. 

"... Keef," 

----------------------------- 

"No, I be thinking that color not matching his red buggy eyes," 

"Hey, now, what are you talking about!?" 

Zim sighed, miserably, as he tugged restlessly on a thick metal collar and chain attached to his neck. He glanced up, irritably, as two figures bickered in the background over his current outfit. 

Or lack-there-of, as Zim saw it. 

Zim sighed once more while wearing nothing save a very tattered loincloth, leather anklets, and mathing leather wrist bands. He felt insanely cold and exposed, both of which were sensations he did not enjoy. 

"I be thinking that gold or black fit better," 

"You can't be serious, yah? Green!" 

"But he naturally little green man!" 

"So why ruin the color scheme, yah!?" 

Zim massaged his temples, muttering a silent curse to whomever was responsible for his current situation. 

"Why not dress him up like that odd human woman lady?" 

"What human woman lady?" 

"Material girl, I think," 

Zim stared, then hung his head with a sniffle. 

-------------------- 

"... I expected something different," Dib stared in disbelief as he and Gaz stood before Keef's house, GIR still doing 'things' to Dib's leg. Keef's house looked like a perfectly normal house, with its lavender roof shingles and off-white walls. The yard was neat, the shrubs well trimmed, and nothing seemed out of place. 

No one would ever have suspected that a waffle-making maniac lived there. 

Without any hesitation, Gaz strode towards the door and rung the doorbell. Dib slowly inched up behind her, dragging his leg and the crazed GIR with him. The sound of scuffling issued before the door slowly slid open. 

The two humans stared, even Gaz mildly affected by what she saw. 

Keef stood in the doorway, dressed in nothing but a tight red leather thong and knee-high hiking boots. He held a whip in one hand and a waffle iron in another. Through the door, the two could see a massive arrangement of torturing devices, such as the rack and a chinese water torture device. Oddly enough, a squirrel was strapped in to every one. 

"Hello?" Keef blinked, then beamed happily. "OH! It's buddy's buddy and buddy's buddy's sister! ... And a very 'happy' GIR! HI GIR!" 

"HIIIII!" GIR cackled before resuming his previous actions. 

"Um-," Dib stared, dumbfounded. Gaz blinked once before her eyes closed and she returned to scowling. 

"Where is Zim?" she growled, her words less of a question and more of a demand. 

"Oh? Buddy? I don't know...," Keef blinked. "... Want some waffles?" he added, grinning brightly. 

Gaz's cheek twitched. 

"Do you have any idea who would know?" 

"Hmmmmm...," Keef tapped his chin with the whip. "... Maybe that odd, funny man who was chasing Count CocoaFang might know!" 

"... BILL!?" Dib thundered. "He wouldn't know! He believes in PSYCHIC LAWN GNOMES!" 

"One way to find out," Gaz turned and walked down the sidewalk, calmly. 

"But...," Dib faultered. 

"NOW," Gaz glanced over her shoulder, twitching. Dib blinked, then sighed and slowly limped after her. 

"Well... OKAY! BYE!" Keef called, happily. A squirrel peeked out, holding a sign that read 'help me'. "Maybe next time, we can have some waffles!" 

"... I'd rather bite my tongue off," Dib growled. 

"I'll help!" Keef offered, helpfully. 

"...," 

Dib limped just a little bit faster. 


	14. Are You On Drugs?

Warning: BWAHAHAH! Are you ready!? Here we go! 

Chapter Fourteen: Are You On Drugs? 

It was a lovely day and Zim paused, then tilted his head and tapped his chin. 

"I think I'll go have sex with Ms. Bitters."  
  
And he did. And it was good. 

Gaz paused her game and blinked, then pondered. 

"I think I'll have sex with Ms. Bitters, too," 

And she did. And it was good. 

Dib stopped stalking Zim to pause and ponder. 

"I think I'll go have sex with Keef," 

And he did. And it was not good. 

GIR decided that being a pimp wasn't that bad and went in to business, selling his piggies and eventually dying from a cookie overdose. 

It was sad. 

Red left Purple for the sandwich he kept hiding in his pants while Purple went in to a depression and sang Japanese anime themesongs in bars, whoring himself out to anyone who would pay. 

And it was all good. 

The end. 

... APRIL FOOLS! 


	15. Air Fresheners, Doom, And Hot Buttered P...

Warning; I'm so evil... be honest! How many people fell for that? XD *cackles insanely, then coughs* ... Um... anyway! Yes, this time this is the REAL chapter 14! REALLY! For REAL this time... REALLY! XD 

Chapter Fourteen: Air Fresheners, Doom, And Hot Buttered Popcorn Sex! 

Zim sat on the floor, blinking slowly with an utterly dumbfounded expression on his face. His antennae drooped, solemnly, as he tilted his head. He wore nothing, save for a giant tree-shaped, deep green outfit. 

If Zim hadn't known any better, he would have sworn he was dressed as an air freshener for cars. 

Zim paused, then glanced at the little tree dangling around his neck on a rope. His antennae drooped even more. 

He WAS dressed as an air freshener for cars. 

"Dude, that's just weird," 

"Nah... that sexy," 

"... How is an air freshener sexy, yah?" 

"Just is. Little green man smell good... like fresh mountain air or pine tree!" 

"... Do ya know what a pine tree is?" 

"... No," 

"... Or fresh mountain air?" 

"No," 

"Then how do you-," 

"I pop your head if you finish sentence," 

"... ... Uh, heh heh, allright... I guess it is a little sexy," 

Zim blinked again, then quirked his antennae quizzically. 

"... Atleast I smell good," 

----------------------- 

"How are we going to find Bill?" Dib glanced about as he and Gaz walked down the street. "He's an idiot. He could be anywhere," 

Gaz grunted and pointed her finger. Dib paused, then glanced in the direction Gaz was pointing. A shiek pierced the air as Count CocoaFang ran down the street, flailing his arms hysterically. Behind him, Bill chased while wielding a large stake in each hand. 

"WHY MUST YOU RUN FROM MY LOVE?!" Bill cried. "Outside of the fact that I'm trying to kill you, that is?" 

Count CocoaFang refused to respond as he ran, darting past the two children in his attempt to escape the maniac. 

Bill made to continue but was immediately tripped by Gaz, who stuck her foot out just as he passed by. Not to allow such an opportunity to escape him, Count CocoaFang continued his desperate attempt to escape and disappeared around the corner. 

Gaz and Dib looked down at Bill, their expression neutral, as Bill coughed and spat bits of asphalt and pebbles. He fumbled to his feet, then arched his back and shook his fists at the sky. 

"CURSE YOU, FANG! CURSE YOU FOR MAKING ME LOVE YOU! CUUUUURRRRRSSSEEEE YOOOOOOUUUU-!" he roared. 

"Ahem," Dib coughed in to his fist. Bill paused then glanced at Dib and Gaz. 

"Oh, it's the funny big headed kid," Bill blinked. 

"... Why does everyone think my head is big!?" Dib hissed. Bill glanced at Dib, then turned to look at Gaz. He gasped and backed away, shakily. 

"OH NO!" he choked. "It can't be!" 

"Huh?" Dib tilted his head, curiously, as Gaz remained silent. "What can't be?" 

"It's... it's...," Bill pointed, shakily, at Gaz. "IT'S...," 

"It's what?" Dib scowled, crossing his arms. Bill glanced around nervously. 

"... A rabid... hideous... diabolical... twisted... vicious...," Bill paused, then shivered. "... yaoi fangirl!" 

Dib stared, dumbfounded, as Gaz opened one of her eyes. 

"BEWAAAARE, big headed child!" Bill cried out. "BEWARE or she might try to pair you up with someone for HOT BUTTERED POPCORN SEX!" 

"... Hot buttered WHAT?!" 

Gaz's cheek twitched as she cracked her knuckles. 

"... That's it," 

Bill squealed, then backed away and moved his hands in a warding manner. 

"NOOOOO! YOU SHALL NOT CLAIM ME! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, before turning on his heels and running down the street. Dib blinked slowly as Gaz's cheek twitched even more violently. 

"What the...," Dib glanced around. "... Hey... where's Zim's robot?" 

Gaz growled as Dib looked around for GIR. 

"I am NOT rabid," 

----------------------- 

GIR purred, happily, as he sat at a table in a strip club. His eyes glowed pink as he held a cigar in one hand and a can of beer in the other. 

"Yeaaah, you know what I like!" GIR hissed, evilly. He puffed on the cigar, then twirled his can of beer. "SHAKE IT, BITCH!" 

Up on stage, a small pink pig dressed in a set of black lingerie stared at him with a blank expression. 

"WHOOO... I'M WANTIN' ME SOME O' THAT!" GIR cackled as he stood up and performed a few pelvic thrusts. 

The bartender twitched as he cleaned the counter with a rag. The other patrons eyed GIR oddly, then returned to their drinks and shook their heads sadly. The pink wrinkled its nose and oinked as GIR wiggled his hips, suggestively. 

"GIMME A LAP DANCE, BABY!" 

---------------------- 

Dib quivered, fearfully, and shook his head. 

"No, I don't think Zim's here!" he whispered, harshly. 

Black iron fences twisted upwards around a house, which glared balefully at them. Everything was midnight black, even the curtains and door. Passersby couldn't see if a window was open or if the door even existed, nor could they tell if there was something hidden in the shadows of the hideous house. It stood, far more hideous or bizarre than even Zim's own home. 

It was the house of Ms. Bitters. 

No child in their right mind dared challenge Ms. Bitters on her home turf. Even Dib, who could withstand her evil at skool far easier than most students, didn't desire to see her after hours. The skool was far more secure, where there would atleast be witnesses. If Ms. Bitters dragged you in to her home, then you would never make it out alive. Some children suspected that she ate students while others felt she used their bodies, frozen in terror, as furniture. Normally, Dib would scoff at such silly superstitions. 

However, the truth was often more hideous and dangerous than the rumors when it came to Ms. Bitters. 

"No, no," Dib repeated himself, more firmly. "Zim is NOT here... so we can go," 

Gaz turned to fix him with a look, then snorted and proceeded down the path to the house. Dib gulped, then adjusted his jacket and attempted to look calm as he followed his sister. 

The dead grass waved in the nonexistant wind, as if waving them goodbye. As Gaz reached up to knock on the door, reality halted in horror to watch. 

The knock echoed violently through the house before the door slammed open with a crunch. Dib quickly rethought his decision and made to leave. 

However, it was too late. 

Ms. Bitters glowered down at them, hunched forward as usual as her fingers twitched like claws needing to strangle. Dib gulped once more and attempted to look calm as he stood before Ms. Bitters. 

"Hello, Ms. Bitters," he coughed. 

"Doomed...," Bitter's eyes narrowed as she curled her lips up in to a feral sneer. Dib stared, then shivered. He quickly shook away the feeling, then looked at Ms. Bitters with a professional attitude. 

"Have you seen Zim, Ms. Bitters?" he inquired, levelly. Ms. Bitters simply chuckled, then turned to glance at Gaz. 

Thunder rumbled as the two locked gazes. Slowly, Gaz opened her eyes as Ms. Bitters hissed. Dib blinked as he looked between the two. 

"Um...?" 

Lightning struck the ground near him, igniting the grass in to an inferno as huge dark clouds swirled around the house. Dib stared, dumbfounded, as sweat began to appear on his skin. 

"Oh no...," 

Gaz's expression shifted to a hideous glower as Ms. Bitters scowled venomously. The clouds rumbled violently, spitting lightning about without much regard for where it landed. The sky, once clear blue, shifted to blood red. The ground rumbled, shaking violently, as lightning danced across the sky in bizarre patterns. The hissing inferno raged, casting its burning light upon them. 

Gaz hunched, glowering dangerously, as Ms. Bitters twisted about and hissed like a cobra. The two continued to glare, refusing to look away, as they were surrounded by an aura of pure doom power. Gaz glowed brilliantly with a pastel purple color as Ms. Bitters' was gray. The two powers clashed against each other, sparking and hissing angrily. 

Dib scrambled back, warily, and crouched in an attempt to keep his footing. 

"I know... what this is! ... It's...," Dib narrowed his eyes, dramatically. "... A battle between doom domninance!" Dib clenched his fists. "When one wielder of the doom power meets another... they must fight to see who is stronger! It could last days... or weeks! Our world could be destroyed by the sheer doom of it!" he continued, as if someone were actually listening to him. 

The houses on either side of Ms. Bitters' own exploded violently, showering bricks and rubble on to the two. However, the auras immediately vaporized the debris as the two glared at each other. 

People ran by, screaming fearfully in an attempt to seek cover as lightning lashed and blew up cars and telephone poles. Dib cringed, then leaped back just in time to dodge a lightning blast. The ground shook violently, threatening to tear itself apart. 

Suddenly, a huge chunk of Ms. Bitters' house broke away from the rest and plummeted downward. 

It landed, with a crunch, on top of Ms. Bitters. 

Instantly, all was well. Birds sang, cheerfully, as puffy clouds drifted through the clear blue sky. All was at peace. 

Dib stared, unable to comprehend, as Gaz closed her eyes and turned on her heels towards him. 

"She doesn't have Zim," Gaz grunted. Then, she tossed her hair and walked down the path for the sidewalk. Dib watched her, his jaw dropped, before he shook himself and blinked. 

"... ...," Dib turned to stare at the wreckage. "Is... she dead?" 

"No," Gaz snorted. "Just doomed out," 

"... O-oh," 


	16. To Da Rescue, Yo!

Warning: Whew... no, guys, I didn't abandon this fic... ^^;;; I've just had things pile up upon me that made writing hard. x.x ANYWAY! Um... HERE IT IS! XD 

For those who don't know, a fuku is basically a skirt-body suit combo. You know, the stuff Sailor Moon wears. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUKI! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YAY! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD 

Chapter Fifteen: To Da Rescue, Yo! 

"Urrr...," Red moaned as he opened his eyes, then yawned. "Bleh..." he muttered. He debated whether he really wanted to get up and start a new day of ruling an empire or going back to snuggling with Purple. 

The decision took all of a second. 

Red snickered evilly and attempted to roll over when he found he could not. His eyes opened wide with alarm, only to find himself bound to the bed with what looked suspiciously like red licorice. Red blinked in confusion. 

"Like it?" 

Red whirled and stared as Purple sauntered in to the room, wearing a skimpy sailor fuku straight from an anime, complete with insanely short purple skirt, white body suit, purple bows, knee high white boots, and elbow high white gloves. Wrapped around his forehead was a tiara with a purple gemstone. 

"... Pur!?" Red stared. 

"Heh heh," Purple walked towards the bed, swinging his hips just enough so that the skirt flashed the skin underneath. "I decided to see if I really did look as good in these outfits as ZIM did. What do you think?" 

"Haaaaaaaaaaah," Red's jaw dropped. 

"I'll take that as a 'Please, Purple, Ravage Me!'," Purple crooned as he slunk closer, running his hands along Red's stomach. Red squirmed as he tried to get free, desperate to do many naughty things to Purple. Purple chuckled evilly, then paused when his hand touched Red's pants. He blinked, then glanced down and slipped them under... 

... Only to pull out a sandwich. 

"..." Purple blinked. 

"..." Red paled. 

"..." Purple looked at Red, holding the sandwich up in a silent demand for an explanation. 

"... Eh?" Red shrugged, helplessly. 

"Such a naughty boy, storing your food in your undies!" Purple scolded as he dropped the sandwich, then stepped back. "And everyone knows what happens to naughty Tallest!" 

"Oh?" Red quirked an invisible eyebrow, then stared as Purple pulled out a cat-o-nine tails out of his skirt. Purple slapped the multi-tipped whip against the palm of his claw, then quirked a grin. 

"In the name of the Moon...," Purple drew back and pointed the whip at Red. "I'll punish you!" 

"... EEEEE!" 

-------------- 

"We don't have anywhere left to check!" Dib muttered. "It wasn't Keef... it wasn't Bitters... it DEFINITELY wasn't Bill... we don't have anyone left!" 

"Yes we do," Gaz snorted. 

"Who?" Dib blinked. Gaz fixed her brother with a glare, then turned to point a finger down the street. 

The hideous new girl known as Tak muttered darkly as she closed the back to the large, junky Bloaty's Pizza Hog van. She wore the uniform of a deliveryboy, which she seemed highly embarrassed of. 

"TAK!?" Dib stared. Tak tensed, then whirled to fix Dib with a shocked look. 

"You!?" she hissed. 

"Where's Zim?" Gaz asked, her expression neutral. 

"How should I know?" Tak muttered. "Dead, I hope." 

"Where is Zim." Gaz repeated, opening one of her eyes. 

"She doesn't know, Gaz...," Dib muttered, then yelped when Gaz turned to look at him. 

"Oh? So now you're giving up Zim for HER?" she smirked. 

"Eh?" Tak blinked. 

"WHAT!?" Dib's jaw dropped. "Now wait a minute! Why would I chose HER over Zim!?" 

"..." Tak's cheek twitched. 

"Maybe if she were still the 'daughter' of a billionare... but she's not! She lost it all when WE stopped her!" Dib continued. "She's just a hopeless alien now!" 

"... MIMI!" Tak shrieked. Instantly, the cat-disguised SIR unit hopped in to view... 

Only to be tackled by Pimpin' GIR. 

"What!?" Tak whirled as GIR pinned Mimi to the ground, smirking evilly. 

"Hey baby!" GIR purred. Mimi let out a cat-like snarl and proceeded to scratch at GIR in a fury of claws. 

"That didn't work, did it," Tak's cheek twitched. 

"Where's Zim?" Gaz repeated. "We know you're hiding him." 

"Why would I hide him!?" Tak demanded, hotly. "I hate him! He destroyed my entire life! I want him dead!" 

"No, you love him." 

"... What!? No, of course I don't!" 

"Yes, you do." 

"I DO NOT! He RUINED everything!" 

"You liked it... you find it kinky. You want him." 

"I do NOT." 

"Think about it." 

"..." Tak's eyes widened. "No... NO! You're right! I DO! I want Zim! Why didn't I realize it before!?" 

"See?" Gaz smirked. 

"Now I desire Dib AND Zim! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why must you tempt me by making me lust for those who are so stupid yet adoringly handsome?!" Tak wailed. 

"... Wait!" Dib's eyes widened. "What do you mean, desire me?" 

"Nothing," Tak shrugged, suddenly back to normal, and turned to Gaz. "Anyway..." 

"Hey, wait!" Dib yelped. "Go back! What did you mean!?" 

"Where is Zim?" Gaz looked at Tak, squarely. 

"He's probably up in the Planet Jacker spaceship orbiting this stupid planet," Tak shrugged. 

"HEY!" Dib flailed. 

"How do you know?" Gaz asked. 

"I have to deliver a pizza there." Tak shrugged. "The van has rockets on it... don't ask me why, it just does. Humans do a lot of things that don't make sense." 

"Hello?" Dib blinked. 

"Take us there." Gaz said. 

"Okay." Tak nodded. 

"HEY!!!" Dib clenched his fists. "Answer me!" 

"But what are you going to do about the Planet Jackers?" Tak quirked her head. 

"... Heh," Gaz smirked evilly. "Leave that to me." 

"But what about-?" Dib began, then blinked as a hideous yowling pierced the air. Dib, Gaz, and Tak glanced behind them to where GIR and Mimi had been the entire time. 

They blinked, then quickly looked away at what they saw. Dib blushed lightly and coughed. 

"Um..." he began. "... Are robots supposed to do that?" 

"... Doubt it," Gaz grunted, her cheek twitching. 

"..." Tak cringed, then shook her head. "Let's go." 

"What about the robots!?" Dib yelped. Tak and Gaz glanced at him, their expressions stern. 

"... Are you seriously suggested we get near them when they're doing that?" Tak asked, tensely. 

"... No, guess not. Wasn't thinking." 

"Obviously." 

----------------- 

"Look," Zim growled. "You cannot keep me here! Do you hear me!? I AM AN IRKEN INVADER!" 

"Yes we can," Oogah grunted. 

"Yup, says so right here!" Nik agreed, nodding his head. 

Zim blinked as the two shoved a contract in his face, written in pink ink. He held the contract and blinked, then made a face. 

"... 'To whoever does buy dis ho, dey gots all da rights ta do whatevah dey want so long as it don' mess wit' the property value, yo'. Dis be signed by da Pimp GIR and approved by da Almighty Tallest Red'," Zim read, slowly. He blinked, then sighed miserably. "Blah." 

"Heh, see?" Nik smirked, then leaned down to dangle a tight string bikini in his face. "So put dis on." 

"..." Zim's cheek twitched. 

"Wear or I smash you," Oogah added. Zim twitched, then grabbed the bikini and sighed again. 

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. 

"... We gots a doorbell?" Oogah looked at Nik. 

"... We have a DOOR?" Nik stared back. 

"Go answer," Oogah growled. "Might be pizza." 

"... You ordered pizza?" Nik blinked. 

"Hungry. Eat pizza." Oogah shrugged. Nik eyed Oogah oddly. Oogah glared at the slim alien. "Get pizza now or I smash you, too." 

"HEY," 

Nik and Oogah whirled to stare as Tak stormed in to the room, holding a big box of pizza. 

"Pizza's here," Tak said, calmly. 

"You!?" Zim stared in shock, then blinked and laughed heartily. "Couldn't resist my Irken charms, EH!?" 

"Shut up, Zim," Tak fixed Zim with a look. "You're an idiot... albeit a hot, spicy, kinky one that I'm having trouble deciding whether to kill or jump." 

"Good. Don't have to smash Nik now." 

"... Yeah, heh... thanks." 

Tak walked over to the Planet Jackers, pizza in tow, as two familiar humans walked in behind her. Gaz crossed her arms and fixed the two aliens with a glare as Dib tried to appear as inconspicious as possible as a giant hump seemed to stick out from the back of his trenchcoat. 

"Who dem?" Oogah blinked. 

"Trainees," Tak replied. 

"... Damn scary trainees," Nik stared. "That girl's got DOOM power!" 

"How know?" Oogah blinked. Nik turned to his companion. 

"She's got the HAIR, man!" 

"Know plenty people with purple hair and not have DOOM powers," 

"Dude, she has it. It's OBVIOUS." 

"Why?" 

Gaz's cheek twitched as the two Planet Jackers bickered, then nodded to Dib. Dib nodded and seemed to drag himself across the floor towards Zim. Zim blinked at Dib, then hissed and pointed a claw at him. 

"YOOOOUUU!" Zim growled. 

"Shut up Zim, we don't have time for that!" Dib barked. "Just get over here and be QUIET!" 

"Fine! ASK her, then!" Nik demanded. 

"Not polite to ask girl if she have DOOM powers." Oogah shook his head. "Is very rude." 

"Yeah, well-," Nik growled, then blinked as Dib slipped back behind Gaz, dragging himself along. "Hey, what's wrong with that guy?" 

"Don't look at him. He's a freak," Gaz grunted. "Horribly mutated in a pizza accident." 

"... Oh," Nik shrugged. "Poor guy." 

"Freak boy." Oogah agreed. 

"Well, we'll be leaving now!" Tak smirked. "Thank you and enjoy the pizza!" 

"Heh," Gaz smirked, then turned and shoved Dib forcefully through the doorway before following herself. Tak turned and followed after, rather quickly. Nik and Oogah watched them leave, then turned to look at eachother. 

"Weird humans," Nik muttered. 

"Eat pizza now. Talk later," Oogah replied. 

"Let's see if the Irken's hungry," Nik suggested. 

"Irkens no eat," Oogah growled. 

"No, but I sure do!" 

Nik and Oogah's eyes widened as they whirled to stare. Sitting in Zim's spot was none other than Keef, who grinned at them toothily. He still wore nothing but his knee high boots and red leather thong. He stood up, then giggled cutely as he displayed his whip and waffle iron seductively. 

"HI, BUDDIES! Let's play!" 

Nik and Oogah stared at Keef, then at eachother. 

"... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" 

------------------------- 

"That will teach them a lesson they'll never forget," Gaz growled. "If they survive it!" 

"I almost pity them," Dib observed, then yelped when Zim squirmed out from under his trenchcoat where he had been hiding. 

"They deserve it for messing with an IRKEN INVADER!" Zim crowed, posing dynamically. He then whirled and pointed at Dib. "And YOU don't ever change your clothes, DO you!?" 

"Hey, wait!" Dib paled. 

"You redefine the definition of STINKBEAST, stinkbeast!" Zim growled. 

"Hey, we SAVED you!" Dib glowered. 

"HAH!" Zim snarled. "You simply took me out of their clutches and in to YOURS! You no doubt have some evil, nasty intentions... you disgusting meatbags!" 

"..." Gaz and Dib glanced at each other before they broke out in to a hideous smirk. 

"Now that you mention it...," Dib tapped his chin, 'idly'. 

"... You can't get away from us now, can you?" Gaz chuckled, then looked at Tak. "Drive." 

"You can't order me around." Tak snorted. 

Gaz fixed her with a gaze. 

"... Okay, maybe I underestimated you," Tak paled. 

"DRIVE," Gaz repeated, her voice resonating demonically. 

"Aw," Tak muttered as she took the wheel. "Can't I atleast watch?" 

Gaz considered that, then nodded. 

"Fine." 

"Hey!" Dib glanced at his sister. "He's MY alien!" 

"Look," Gaz looked at her brother, her cheek twitching. "We have two choices. We fight, bicker, and lose this chance to finally get our hands on Zim... or we just call a temporary truce and fight after the opportunity's been taken." 

Dib blinked, then tapped his chin. 

"Or I just doom you and take Zim all for myself," Gaz added, her eyes narrowed. Dib paled, then smiled nervously. 

"... Take turns?" he offered, extending his hand. 

"Just this once." Gaz accepted the hand, smirking. 

"... Hey, wait," Zim's eyes widened. 

"No, no more waiting," Gaz growled. 

"For once, we both agree!" Dib chuckled. Zim's eyes widened as he flailed, the two humans descending upon him while grinning like chesire cats. 

"EEEEEEEEE-!!!" 

------------------------- 

GIR sighed as he spit out a puff of smoke, lying down on the lawn as he smoked a cigar. He glanced at Mimi, who stretched out beside him. 

"Was it good for you, bitch?" GIR smirked. 

"Who you callin' a bitch, yo?" Mimi purred in response. 

"Just you, ho." 

"You know it." 

Author's notes: ... Yes, that's it. The end... don't cry. ;_; I really enjoyed writing this fic... and I almost didn't post it because I didn't WANT it to end... but to make it up to you all, I'll start writing my next Tallest fic if you want! XD 


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